Scratching the Unmarried 7 Year Itch

It’s been 6 some odd years (7 is more poetic) since I last wrote an article for this blog. A lot has happened, both good and bad. Farewell Oxford comma and 2 spaces after a period. I’m still a never been married cynical hopeless romantic looking for and falling in love in all the wrong places and getting my heart broken as if I can do this forever. Luckily, I’ve never stopped brainstorming blog ideas and writing outlines but none of that matters because I have an eidetic memory and can put myself back in those frames of mind and remember who, what, and why for your reading pleasure. Stay tuned!

Now I’ve made it Wix official with this glossy new website and some motivation to eventually write a trashy novel that I’ll self-publish on Amazon so I can call myself a writer when I approach strange women in dark restaurant bars and speed dating circles, one day anyway on the speed dating.

Why did I stop writing? Well the first run of blogs got way more attention and feedback than I anticipated and could personally handle. This blog started to adversely affect my relationship(s), namely the on and off for 7 fucking years with Princess Guyana who doesn’t believe men should have female friends. Many of these friends and the male versions read it, told me not to write about them, asked me who I was writing about, and it created this toxic gossipy environment that I never intended.

Me sharing my personal experiences comes from a grounded place where the truth can set us free and the web of lies, half truths, deliberate omissions, and awkward silences we prefer to practice keep us stuck in our negative patterns with superficial and unfulfilling relationships we accept because we’d rather settle in comfort than risk losing control and getting hurt, again.

Protect your heart, right? If you can’t handle hurt and pain, don’t fall in love, which then usually means you’re a narcissistic sociopath who uses others in transactional relationships and have a smartphone full of selfies if you’re female or shirtless/dick pics if you’re male. It bothers me while writing this that this line describes my most recent failed relationship to a T.

I’ve been so busy since 2013 that I have added 3 heartbreaks and an abusive relationship to my baggage since Princess Guyana while pushing away the healthy relationships because her friends looked really old, we couldn't agree on a long distance commitment, and I couldn't communicate my feelings properly before they got married to someone else. One of the big patterns I learned is after every heartbreak I tried to cover up and push aside my feelings by getting back with ex’es, new flames, one nighters, whoever would tolerate my subtly self-loathing disposition and think me sort of tall if you're not 6', dark, and mysterious.

Jumping right back into sex/rekindling/dating never made me feel better, but the distraction was a welcome comfort at the time. I eventually learned promiscuity as a coping mechanism for failed relationships is like paying the monthly minimum on your credit card bill, you think you’re being responsible and in a good place but you’re amassing crippling debt that will inhibit you from having healthy relationship credit for years.

My reality was I never allowed myself to heal and prepare myself to be with someone new so I would contaminate my next relationship with my unresolved issues from the previous one, without seeing it of course. Sure my last ex cheated on me and had better responses to guys sending her dick pics than when she touched mine, but I'm over it...oh you left your phone unlocked while in the shower let me see who you've been texting behind my back. You'll always find what you look for, whether it's true or you make it true.

Note from the editor, recycling is much easier if you keep going back to the same women over and over again over the course of years because you already know their issues they aren't going to change and their issues they're trying to address, but not too hard since you're willing to accept them as they are now so why should they do anything different?

I finally learned the importance and need for healthy breaks, which of course translates into my being depressed for weeks and months after breakups. It’s been further exacerbated by watching 3 of the last 4 women cheat on me in our relationship, half-ass it while I tried to work to repair the trust damage, and then watch them move on effortlessly like I never really mattered. Maybe my karma finally came due... But I learned the power of forgiveness and the ability to repair friendships when the love has faded and needs to be let go. I love fully, wholly, and unconditionally so when it ends badly, I end up in a very bad way. Such is the price of unrequited love which is what happens when you’re a superficial sucker for a pretty face and a woman with daddy and/or mommy issues.

I also never found the time to write because I was too busy getting sued for having a crippling porn addiction and then working months to pay that off. The only thing I’m going to say about that is VPN and don’t say I didn’t warn you. Porn is this amazing marvel where you can numb yourself from past hurts with exactly what you want, when you want it, the way you want it so you don't have to put on pants or leave the apartment. There is always a hot new girl in porn until the next hot new porn girl is your most recent ex.

COVID-19 has changed the world and it’s time to reinvent myself as well to become a self-published e-reader on an online book store website. So let’s kick the tires and light the fires daddy (I'm cringing at this btw) and as always thank you for your support.

https://www.rumanatingintercourse.com/post/scratching-the-unmarried-7-year-itch

TheDailyEnthusiast - The Past Revisited

Sometimes in the grand scheme of putting yourself out there to meet new people, evaluate prospective wives, mistresses, girlfriends, booty calls, and find the companionship we desire, it all becomes overwhelming and you need to take a break to refresh and recharge.

I've taken breaks twice in the past, albeit both were planned for longer than they ended up being.  Back in 2007, I took a 5 month break to finish getting over my rock bottom breakup a year prior.  I came out of the break delving head first into the world of international dating where, if I boast for a quick second, I've set foot on 6 continents, had sex on 5, received road head on 4, said "I love you" in 3 languages besides English and meant it, and had 2 serious trans-continental relationships for about 1 year each.  Then in 2009, I took a 3 month break to re-ground myself after coming within an 11 year age difference of getting married, moving to Brasil, and starting a family of Portuguese soccer players and psychologists.  Instead, I relocated to New York City.

Fast forward to the present and after a particularly draining experience I've decided to take another break which I'm calling a "self-imposed moratorium".  These brief spells from dating and sex are as much about resolving the past as they are prepping for a more fulfilling future.  It's not hard to get laid: meet new people, keep smiling, tell stories until they laugh, listen then respond, find common ground, keep buying food/drinks, break the touch barrier in a non-sleazy way, then voila, you seal the deal.  Rewind, repeat until success.  But after a while, it gets old.  I've always been a believer in seeking deeper connections beyond physical attraction and a shared mutual orgasm.

Of course when I decide to take a break it's like word gets out so past relationships, flings, and hookups always seem to come back around.  I don't see this as a bad thing.  I believe it validates the connection you once shared, however long or brief, and proves it was "real".  After all, if you love something, let it go and if it comes back...  Additionally, as was the case with that ex of 3 years who broke my heart and called me out of the blue 19 months later to meet on Christmas Eve to let me know she hoped we could get back together in 6 months when she planned to dump her current boyfriend and move back to Boston, it shows you how much you've grown and developed as a person.  How you can make someone your world and don't think you could live without them and then their mere presence annoys you and you question what you ever found attractive about them in the first place.  Otherwise, if you keep revisiting your past over and over again then where is your love life really headed?

*Originally posted on dailyenthusiast.net on December 16, 2013.

TheDailyEnthusiast - The Truth About Love

I've got a new venture writing short pieces for The Daily Enthusiast, an online lifestyle magazine, about the usual topic of love, sex, dating and relationships. Here's my first piece that introduces me to a new audience:

Once upon a time I was celebrating a friend’s birthday at a bar along with an older Jamaican woman I had recently ended things with, a Colombian woman who had picked me up at a house party and I was currently dating, and a Dominican-American woman I was meeting for the first time and ended up dating 3 months later, when I met an author, Sujeiry, who wrote for Latina.com and maintained a website concerning love, sex, dating, and relationships.  She was intrigued that I was juggling three women in that social setting without any dramatic fireworks and invited me to blog about my experiences from the male perspective on her website.  Thus, my blog RuMANating Intercourse was born.  Why do I write about love, sex, dating, and relationships?

Love.  There is no feeling like looking into the eyes of someone you love and would do anything for and feeling loved by them in return.  Perhaps this may explain why some people obsess about their pets to an excess, but in the least it explains why everyone considers their children to be the source of their greatest joys.  Some of us are fortunate to experience love with a romantic partner and spend our days in utter bliss, awakening our carnality and indulging in plenty of …

Sex.  This is not the I smashed, let me get mine, I’m in a power struggle with the opposite gender because I have unresolved parental issues.  I mean tantric, spiritual, sensual, multiple orgasms, embracing our humanity by exploring our sexuality, safe comfortable environment where we can please each other and the safe word is “IDontWantYouToStopButINeedABreak”.  The sex is so good, and we’re both famished from having sex all day long and need to eat something else besides each other.  So we share a meal, go to the movies hoping for an empty theater, steal away on a vacation together and attempt to join the mile high club and before long all your friends will think you’re …

Dating.  Yes, that awkward, overly complicated, too many damn rules, don't know what's going on process that is complete and utter rubbish.  The idea is to get to know the other person but more often than not it’s a drawn out struggle and negotiation because a relationship cannot be agreed upon and neither side has decided to walk away just yet.  In reality if it’s not moving forward, it's stagnant and you're wasting your time on something isn't meant to be.  Because when it is meant to be, it’s downright simple and easy to get into a …

Relationship.  These are what matter most in life.  You can have all the finest things, travel to all the exotic places, and indulge in the best the world has to offer but it's the people you maintain relationships with that always bring you the most enjoyment and satisfaction.  So then why are relationships so damn hard sometimes and so much work?

Let’s explore…

*Originally posted on dailyenthusiast.net on September 3, 2013.

Why I Hate Dating

From RuMANating Intercourse

Are you single? It’s the most loaded question anyone can ask. If you say yes, they immediately try to determine if you are a viable partner for themselves, their friends, their friends’ friends, their coworkers, the family pet, even their childhood acquaintances they don’t like anymore but keep in touch with on social media. It’s like being single is a disease and a relationship is the cure. The ugly treatment few enjoy but we all seem to tolerate is dating.

No one likes dating. Far too often it’s cold, contrived, and utterly forced. It’s like when your mom called you with her cancer diagnosis in February 2007 and she spent the entire time trying to explain to you what the doctor told her about the stages of breast cancer, what the results of her tests indicated about the growth of the cancer, and what her treatment options would be. Meet, exchange info, email or text, talk on the phone or not, wait 3 days or don’t, careful choice of first date venue, to pay or go Dutch, to kiss or not, what if sex is on the table, who else are they dating, how many dates before you’re dating exclusively, do they want a relationship, am I coming on too strong, they don’t seem to like me enough. It’s all pomp and circumstance and doesn’t get to the heart of the matter: what we want in a partner and if this person meets the criteria and we meet theirs. Do we really need to date to figure that out? Couldn’t we just have a few honest, candid conversations and form a trial friendship? After all, genuine friendship IS the basis of all healthy relationships.

Still you find the occasional person who says they actually do enjoy dating. What they’re really saying is they enjoy casually meeting new people and are attractive enough that others approach them regularly or respond when they initiate contact. They like the back and forth, the thrill of the pursuit, to catch and release, they like playing the dating games because they are good at it. More likely than not, they’re not paying for all these dates or have enough money that they can afford it.

We date and court to determine if the other person is who they say they are and prove to the other person that we are who we say we are while ascertaining if the two of you will make a good partnership. Do you like me? Are we compatible? Can you see yourself with me for the rest of our lives? I don’t know. How did we meet?

Online: I saw a few handpicked photos online showing what you consider to be your charismatic qualities along with some witty words meant to portray yourself as interesting and worth getting to know. Truthfully, I know absolutely nothing about you but I’m tired of being alone and surmised online dating could be safe enough because it worked for . Plus, there’s no harm in dating virtually so long as my current partner doesn’t know I still have my account active.

Randomly in public: I bumped into you at so and so while I was doing such and such and we ended up talking about this and that and you seemed normal enough so we exchanged contact info. In reality, I know nothing about you but you seemed nice just like all neighbors of multiple murderers say they seemed normal enough. At least I wasn’t online sorting through thousands of profile pictures while alone and borderline desperate.

Bar: I had enough alcohol to summon enough liquid courage to approach you and try talking to you because I found you attractive enough in my impaired state and you responded in kind in your possibly equally impaired state and we eventually find something we have in common, we don’t want to be alone tonight. We know absolutely nothing about each other but like having fun and numbing our minds and feelings so at least we have that in common and can figure out the rest as we go. It’s all copacetic, just like my check liver light.

Club: I like to listen to music and dance, which we both have in common, and you were probably there with your friends while I was there with my friends so we should be friends. Somehow our groups ended up interacting, we danced together, and we decided to keep the dance going because we both secretly equate dancing with sex and are horny. We want to keep the good times rolling and fully express more “dancing” with each other so long as the other is not a stalker or serial killer or has a sexually transmitted infection.

Through a friend: My friend invited me to their friend’s social gathering and your friend got invited by their friend’s friend and they asked to bring you. Because your friend’s friend’s friend knows my friend’s friend you’re probably not a bad person or my friend’s friend’s friend would tell my friend’s friend who would tell my friend who would tell me because they’re a good friend. We seemed to hit it off and probably have similar values and both value friendship. Through 6 degrees of separation we’re practically friends anyways. Small world, eh?

Through an activity: We share this activity in common and see each other regularly. We’re friendly and talk and enjoy each other’s company more and more. We have gotten to know each other better and have decided to hang out, just the two of us, in a different venue. It’s our first date but it doesn’t feel like a date because we’re already sort of friends. It just feels so organic, so natural. Do you know what I mean?

I rest my case.

Return of Love

From RuMANating Intercourse

Sometimes when we seek to reconcile with former flames whom we still harbor feelings for and still feel a connection to, we have to sacrifice parts of ourselves for the sake of trying to make the relationship work.  However, reconciliation is never as simple as revisiting and reestablishing because without the necessary revisions, the failed aspects of the relationship eventually manifest in increasing ways and it becomes even clearer why it never worked out the first time.  For me, writing these candid blogs was one of my sacrifices.  Here I now write, after a lengthy absence, but in truth I never stopped writing, I merely stopped publishing.  In this roller coaster now past I learned something new: you know your relationship is really over and done for good when you throw away her shower cap.  So with that in mind, let's re-cap.

The off and on for 2 years wasn't all bad.  I can remember many good times.  But in remembering the great times, I vividly recall her repeated absence from them rather than her perpetual presence.  This insight led to my epiphany that I cared deeply for her and even miss her now, but there reaches a point in a relationship where things need to progress forward as stagnation proves fatal.  I believe when a woman loves and cares about her man, she doesn't care what they do because all that matters is that they are together even if they had plans but things didn't go as expected.  The what and where isn't important as long as you're together.  To me, a home cooked meal is equivalent to dinner at a restaurant, although I will admit I think a home cooked meal with wine pairing has significantly more meaning than being wined and dined at a restaurant.  I also believe that a man who loves and cares about his woman lets her know of his daily plans and she's welcome to join him on any given day, at any given time, no matter what, no matter where, no matter which friends he may be with.  I'm also a believer that these things should go both ways for a relationship to truly blossom.

In our relationship, she had numerous demands and expectations of how she should be treated yet her best contribution was her ability to walk out when issues arose or things became problematic.  Eventually, I came to the realization that the source of our strife was that she did not understand me or respect who I am as a person and ultimately we did not share a friendship as the basis of our relationship.  At the end of the day, if I feel unappreciated and unloved in my relationship, it's because I'm allowing myself to be treated that way.  I always tried to keep open the line of friendship, even in down times, because I believe it forms the basis of any solid relationship.  But she rarely seemed interested.  It was me reaching out to contact her, me being told I need to apologize, me doing virtually all the cooking and paying to feed us, me accommodating her when she wasn't feeling well, and so forth.  I never saw the part where this woman goes out of her way to take care of her man in return to show him appreciation and that their relationship is truly give and take both ways and isn't just one-sided in what she gets out of it.  This degradation was no one's fault but my own doing because I remained invested in it and therefore allowed it.

Eventually, I could clearly see myself with her.  I was that husband who admits to other men their marriage is reduced to "happy wife, happy life".  My problem is I don't think a successful marriage is one where a man gives in to everything and does everything asked to please his woman.  I know I would end up cynical, jaded, and unhappily married and since I'm already the first two, I can do without the trifecta.  There was a time when I used to stress, worry, and fret about these things and why I couldn't recapture a loving relationship like I experienced twice in my early 20's when I didn't know any better.  But I've learned that's the major difference between your 20's and 30's, clarity and understanding.  Today, I better know who I am and what I want and don't let as much shit affect me, whereas before I didn't know any better and tolerated so much more nonsense and called it love.  Now, it's bottom line: if you have no added value to my life that I can't provide myself or with my family and good friends who better understand and support me, then there comes a time to put up, or walk out.  For her, practice made perfect so her boots were already made for walking.

When something begins with so much promise yet ends so poorly, you can't help but feel like you're left alone to pick up the broken pieces and apply healthy doses of super glue despite not feeling very super and not being sure your glue will hold.  You take your feelings and love for the other person and you give it a proper ceremony, give it its proper weight, and you bury it, for good.  Then you get back to your roots of what makes you great, of what makes you worthy of love, and you indulge and embellish yourself because the ability to love yourself is one of the most powerful gifts you will ever give or receive.  You can't fake self-love and self-love doesn't lie, doesn't cheat, doesn't steal, and doesn't walk out and disappear.  You are personally responsible for your own self-love and you benefit most from it.  You feel the effects of it every day in who you are and in what you do and, when true, others cannot deny its overwhelming presence in your life.

To draw inspiration from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, if you want great love you must first love yourself, then just love naturally.  When you love yourself, you're able to weather any storm because, as a bathroom mirror my mom once hung up states, love always trusts, love always hopes, love never fails.  Self-love will also keep you open to greater possibilities in life because, as the thinking goes, so what if you had a bad experience?  It happens.  Learn from it, make an adjustment, and keep on living.  What's the alternative?  Stagnation in a been-there done-that quagmire?  Chewing on your bottom lip, sucking on the same past bad experiences that left that bitter taste in your life and wondering why the sourness keep recurring?  That sort of negative action doesn't encourage positivity.  But what if you struggle to truly and unconditionally love yourself?  Then change yourself into someone you can love.  You have all the power and it starts with letting all the negativity wash away down the shower drain while keeping your essence capped and intact.

Re: Own Your Penis

My buddy wrote a blog Own Your Penis on his Raid My Words about giving his teenage brother advice on sex. I thought I might throw my own advice out there based on my own empirical data.

In talking with many women, they don't care about length as long as it's 6 inches or bigger, but they do care about girth. Since the average vagina is only 5 inches deep but looseness may vary, men care more about girth too. A big dick (8 inches or bigger) can feel good because it's big and hits places no other man can hit. A thick dick is even better because it fills her. But a good dick feels good because he knows how to work what he has and make her feel things no other man has made her feel. The man with the big dick can do less but still please her, whereas the other man has to learn to put in the effort to satisfy her. The same goes for women. A good looking woman may just lie there and make you do all the work because she thinks she can be lazy since she looks good and it's the man's job to please her. A good, or maybe it’s bad, woman will work the shit out of your dick, but may not look the best. Which would you prefer? The same even goes for hearts and relationships too. Aren’t many things in life ultimately about dedication and effort?

Your dick is a muscle so it does get bigger the more you use it, masturbation included. But we're not talking inches growth in length, more like millimeters. But it does gain girth because the muscle gets stronger. Look at your biceps, they don't get longer but they do get thicker with workouts. That being said, 5 minutes into your sock isn't working out and we're talking full arousal high intensity exercise, not just a release. Look at the people who pick up weights with their penis, it can be trained.

Teenage girls don't know what good dick is just as teenage boys don't know what good pussy is. Do you trust teenagers for advice on good food, best investments, or music selections? We all discover quality later in life with a mutually explorative partner or from an older, more experienced lover. A great lover is made, not born. Someone turns you out and you will turn someone out, just as you will break someone's heart and someone will break yours. It's cyclical like that, especially when you realize later in life that there's less than 6, or sometimes 2, degrees of sexual partners with the girl you want to fuck and the person you most hate in the entire world.

Condoms are a must until you reach the emotional maturity to understand what the hell you're doing to each other or until you acquire some financial security to either provide for a little one when you inevitably mess up or afford the cocktail of pills keeping you alive. It's a two-fold purpose: protect yourself and don't procreate what you can't afford. Not to be a debbie downer, but using a condom doesn't protect against herpes and HPV because it's possible the infected skin areas are not on her vagina. It's less than 100% effective against gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, and HIV because, besides the possibility of breaking, the skin above your dick and your balls are not covered by latex and the women's vaginal secretions can easily end up on either. If you have a cut on your finger and finger her, or have a cut in your mouth and go down on her, it's putting a direct open wound in contact with a potential source of infection which is what latex condoms are used to prevent since the skin on your dick is so thin it's prone to micro-abrasions which provide a direct opening to your blood. Think it's bad for a man, it's worse for a woman which is why women have higher infection rates in heterosexual relationships than men. But it's not as bad as the anus which rips and tears frequently and easily, which is why gay men have the highest rates of infection. Scared yet? Then just wait.

As for lasting long enough, it depends on the woman. Some want a man who runs marathons and some prefer sprinters. It's real simple to find out what she likes. Ask. Otherwise, if she cuddles or falls asleep after, you lasted long enough. If she pulls out a toy to finish herself off, complains you should have waited, or has enough energy to dance around or otherwise act up then you didn't last long enough. If she's begging you to cum, has gotten dry, or has started thinking, talking about, or doing other things while still in the act then you're lasting too long. It's only a problem if you cum as soon as you put it in, within about 2 min, all the time every time. Then you have premature ejaculation and you should jerk off every day, twice a day to learn how your dick works. The average encounter is around 5-10 minutes of foreplay followed by around 10-20 minutes of sex for a grand total of 15-30 minutes. The women's anatomy requires 10-15 minutes for complete arousal whereas the man’s only requires about 1-5 minutes, hence the foreplay catch-up.

If she's thinking about her mom's stern words, that she's only doing it because you want to, or what people will think about her when they find out, then she's not going to get fully aroused, nevermind orgasm. A woman's orgasm originates in her mind, so until you've properly gained access to her mind, your abilities are handicapped. Some women are open to anyone, but understand the territory you chart has been charted by others before and will continue to be charted by others after.

Lastly, if you care about her and she cares about you then both of you can explore each other freely and comfortably. But if grown adults can’t seem to do that without introducing their own baggage, why would teenagers have better luck? Perhaps the difference is expectations and awareness, but to be honest you’re better off waiting for the right partner you’ve been dating for at least 3-6 months so there’s no pressure to be the best the first time and there’s no rush to finally do it. Believe me, as you get older it only gets easier to get laid and more complicated.

Why Do We Hurt the Ones We Love

The world is an ever changing dynamic place. If you step out of your daily routine to open your mind and alter your perspective, it can become clear that there are few absolute certainties in life, few but not none. The taxman will get his money, death comes for us all, and the sun rises every morning except for the one morning when the prior point proves true. Furthermore, if you are capable of loving and being loved and choose to do so, then you will get hurt and hurt someone at some point in your life regardless of whether you intend to or not. If you think you won’t get hurt if you don’t fall in love, you may be right but don’t think for a second that precludes you from hurting someone who falls in love with you.

Why is it that in most cases we end up hurting the people we care about and that care about us? It’s not always malicious spite with full-intentions. Some of the deepest cuts just sort of happen in the heat of the moment. I’m not talking about your reaction at arriving home from work early to plan a surprise engagement proposal and accidentally walking in on your significant other in a gangbang with your cousin, best friend, and worst enemy. I mean the little things that happen in relationships that build towards failure and sour partings: buying tickets to an event and they decide not to go, inviting them along to a social outing to get to know your friends better and they prefer to stay in at home, wanting to see them no matter the circumstances and they simply don’t do enough to allow it to happen. These incidents are often not the be-all end-all, but together in repetition they contribute towards that threshold we all have when we choose to care only about ourselves and to hell with the other person. At that breaking point, guards go up, defenses come out, and past hurts and failures bubble to the surface as a reminder of the first time you got hurt and it felt like your world was ending and you just wanted to die. Except you didn’t, and while the experience made each of us stronger, it also changes you and even makes some of us jaded.

Perhaps that’s why we often act as if we know the exact moment when someone is going to hurt us and preempt it by running away or striking first blood to lessen the blow. We know we’re just protecting ourselves because we know who has hurt us in the past and how it felt, but in doing so we give nothing to the other person. Just as we need to be understood and loved the way we want to be loved, we just as quickly cease to show love, understanding, compassion, or consideration when they strike our nerve. How can we expect to find and embrace love when our way of caring about and loving someone is to levy OUR expectations on them? If we’re going to be with them, love them, and be loved by them in return then why do we demand a return on our investment and seek proof that they’re not like everyone else we have experienced and therefore measure them by? Why is it that when we love someone, we grow to expect certain things from them: an honest effort, honest communication, fidelity, trust, our words being heard, our emotions understood, and our needs met? It doesn’t seem to matter if we can’t meet our own needs by ourselves, but if they can’t meet our expectations then someone is bound to get dismissed and hurt, and better you than me, right?

It’s with that thinking that I’ll argue most of us love selfishly, if at all. Everyone has their own agenda and the relationships that last seem to be born out of mutual interests, matching agendas, and compatible approaches to life much more than deep, profound, passionate, uncontrollable love. We all want equality in our relationship, a fair exchange, the terms of which are decided between the parties involved over various meetings and compromises. It’s more a business transaction of an optimal 6% return over the long haul or short frenetic 11% gains based on aggressive posturing because we all want our time, effort, and energy to be worth it. But the demands and expectations that work in business and business relationships simply don’t apply when it comes to real love. When emotions are involved, you can't ask for or demand things from someone especially if you are not willing to make that same effort. Emotions only care about themselves. They want, they feel, they shake, rattle, and roll you and try as you might but you can’t forever suppress them. The heart wants what it wants, when it wants it, and it either gets it or builds walls to protect itself no matter what toll it takes on the one we once gave the keys of our heart to.

Love isn’t self-serving, it’s that we’re afraid of rejection, of getting hurt. Love is a powerful, addictive, drug, and we often keep coming back for that next hit. But we want to know that it’s ok to indulge in that next hit, that it won’t break us and they won’t hurt us if we fall again. Yet do we promise that we won’t hurt them if we fall out of love with them? When it doesn’t work out do we promise to answer the phone and talk them through the weeks and months of heartache and heartbreak and all those wishes unfulfilled, dreams deferred, and hopes never realized? If it was love, then why so often when it ends, is no love shown? Whether it was or wasn’t, ultimately we must accept we all selfishly seek what we want and that manifests itself in the expectations we push upon whoever we choose to be with and possibly even fall in love with.

Many think that when someone loves you they won't hurt you. Realistically, it’s inevitably that someone who loves you will hurt you. But when someone really loves you they are willing to accept they did you wrong, apologize, and work to make sure it doesn’t happen again. When you love them, you’re willing to forgive them because you know the love you share is profound. You both believe that together you can weather any storm and be much greater than you ever could be as individuals. You understand that you'll continue to make mistakes separately and together, but neither of you gives up or walks away because you're in it together. Then again, if you don't want to get hurt, then don't fall in love, and if you don't want to hurt someone, don't let them fall in love with you, as if either of you can control who you fall in love with. Your experiences apart will never hold a flame to what they could be together if you can figure out how to make it work. I suppose that's the way love goes, you’re either able to love each other with everything you have or you end up hating each other with the same fervent passion until eventually your love for each other fades and you become nothing, no love shown and a distant memory, another reminder.

Narcissistic Sex in the City

I took a trip down VOD lane to watch the ever popular show turned movies that any contemporary heterosexual man needs to be aware of these days, especially one living in NYC: Sex and the City. I had an ex who swore by the franchise but I'm not a regular or even a fan. Yet legions of female friends and acquaintances alike seem to follow it and discuss its points, plots, and characters. I can't deny that at times there are great points made, but I must say the more I watch it, the more disenfranchised I become with dating and the values it promotes. Many women out there seem to idolize it, and as art imitates life or perhaps life imitates art, I can draw parallels with it and my dating experiences in NYC.

The movie sequel in particular had me cringing at times at the audacity of the characters and writer's portrayal of women. While I did like the conversation about how tough it is to be a mother, I then quickly hated that they were relieved to have nannies as if all women can relate. I'm aware that some women would love to get married so they can stop working and just be wined, dined, catered to, and pampered all day long as if that's the good life. But how can you claim to be a housewife and take care of the kids when you hire a nanny? I can't stand these "lazy" types and have significantly greater interest in and respect for a woman with her own goals and ambitions, like my mother who worked nights while raising 3 kids and even went back to college to earn her degree and advance her career. The movie was over the top ridiculous, as was the disrobing of the Muslim women to think women everywhere thoroughly embrace American ideals and western notions of fashion and beauty. Maybe it is that way and I'm the only one who thinks Louis Vuitton logo bags and Burberry plaid are the worst 2 designs on the planet. Then again, perhaps that explains why only 1 of the past 8 women I've been involved with was born on American soil.

These characters obsess over the latest fashion, restaurants, hot spots, and every cute guy and what he could do for her. Don't these women have any real hobbies? They come across as largely superficial and mostly devoid of any real values or significance in their lives because they only care about themselves and those people who do things for them. In the sequel, Carrie creates this beautiful apartment filling it with stuff thinking that it will bring her happiness just like that hot pair of Manolo's and Louboutin's. Material comforts don't bring true happiness because they require more and greater materialism to get your fix. But then I guess that's America, the land of the privileged, rich, and entitled with a growing separation between the haves and have nots.

In the Sex and the City influenced real world, your choices of women consist of the Carries - self-absorbed and in need of a large dose of humble pie, the Mirandas - career minded and always putting herself first and in need of a priority readjustment, the Charlottes - detached from reality and living in her own universe, and the Samanthas - unable to commit to anything long term of deeper substance but then at least she's up front about it. I can't deny their worth as women, but excuse me if I choose amongst those to remain single because I'd rather be single than deal with their psychoses. Even though it's not right, I can understand why men would behave badly with these women.

While I do like the inclusion that some of these women have careers and can support themselves, the more narcissistic ones, Carrie and Charlotte, wouldn't be enjoying their lifestyles without the earning potential they married into. There seems to be a growing prevalence of this narcissistic behavior and sense of entitlement that women feel they deserve to be wined and dined 24/7 and jetted off to foreign lands with all expenses paid, but then few women do the necessary things to create that lifestyle themselves and instead decide to fuck, date, and marry into it. So the false perception propagates creating distorted realities of how a man should court a woman encouraging gold diggers abound. After all, that's the way things should be with a real man, freely given with immediate gratification instead of working for and earning it.

Real long-term relationships don't consist of 24/7 wining and dining without the woman contributing to the cause. But that's rarely seen because they never show whose credit card is used or what transpires during typical nights in because very few people in NYC or the rest of the world can afford to eat out every single night. I remember a woman I dated complained that she encouraged her man to buy a Porsche only for him to break things off so she never got to ride in it. If a woman wants to be "treated as she deserves", then I think she should be able to pay for it all herself before she can expect it or ask for it. Still, it seems female after female wants to have the latest and greatest bought for them and embrace anyone who can take care of them and give them the lifestyle they crave. Ultimately, it's all about me and you can go to hell if you're not going to bend over backwards to cater to me, right?

Well to quote Alicia, "a real woman knows a real man always comes first, and a real man just can't deny a woman's worth". It's not that I can't take care of my woman, do everything she asks of me, or give fully of myself to her, it's that as a man I want to know such actions are appreciated, aren't taken for granted, and I know she isn't just with me because of what I do for her. There will always be another guy who comes along with better physical attributes, better clothing style, a nicer car, greater financial means, and more free time to spend with her so men want the safety and security that their woman isn't going to care. In return as a fair exchange, we won't care when a more attractive woman comes along who has her own money, doesn't need us to provide for her, take care of her, or cater to her because she's willing to take us out to dinner and get to know us, our interests, our dreams, our goals, and is willing to support us in our pursuit of them while showing us a little "sparkle" every day instead of demanding that we do more for her to convince her we really want to be with her when she isn't doing anything for us to convince us she wants to be with us.

All is Fair in Truth, Love, and Nasty Breakups (Part 2): Cheating Revelations

As the friend drove us back to my apartment, upon exiting the highway, the birthday girl woke up to us talking softly and laughing and began projecting. It was incredulous that we sat right in front of her with something obviously going on between us and for how long had we been going behind her back. I was such a hypocrite for wanting a real relationship when I was unfaithful and involving myself with other women, as evident from the time she checked my phone and all my female friends who wanted to come visit me. Suspicious people tend to find what they are looking for regardless of whether it actually exists. I didn’t even bother to defend myself because I had ample opportunities to cheat and the only cheating I did was with her for 10 months unbeknownst to her boyfriend of 2-3 years. I mean I could have stepped out with her friend behind her back but didn’t, and that had already been decided. I tell the truth for the very reason that it is told once whereas lies have to be repeated.

Everyone has their limit, and what she said next reached mine, infinity, and beyond. I wasn't doing enough to convince her that a relationship with me would be better than her current situation which she admitted she preferred because it required no real effort. Besides, her boyfriend called to wish her a happy birthday minutes before me when the clocked struck midnight. Lastly, she said she still talks to her long distance boyfriend every day and calls him before she comes over my place to visit, which at that point was 3-5 days a week almost every week. I felt so disrespected in my own home, my own place of sanctity that I needed to purge everything in that instant to try and reclaim myself, for me. No matter how strongly I felt for her, no one deserves to be treated like that. We all have a point of no return and that moment was mine. So I did the only reasonable and rational thing that I could think of, which is now the first and only time I’ve ever done such a thing. At 5 o’clock in the morning on the day after her birthday, I threw her stuff out into the hallway and told her to get out of my apartment and out of my life.

It gets better. A few weeks later, I saw she changed her online profile picture back to one of her and her boyfriend. The dating world has a twisted ethical code and the cheating world’s is even worse. She made me promise not to tell her man and in return I told her she had to promise to always tell the truth. But it seemed that she was actually going to go back to her boyfriend after 10 months of lying to him and sleeping in my bed every week, and pretend like nothing happened. I felt angry I allowed myself to become involved with her and helped facilitate her lying and cheating. Then I put myself in his shoes and how much it must suck to be head over heels in love and oblivious to the truth. Hints don't work when you are in love for reality comes in harsh buckets of ice cold water.

Regardless, I would want to know, who wouldn’t? I had a choice to get involved with an emotionally unavailable woman, but that woman’s man didn't have a choice. I was wrong to get involved and in his position, I would want to be given that choice, to believe or not believe that my partner was cheating so that I could decide whether or not I wanted to be with her.

So one thirsty Tuesday after drinks, when one of my best friends turned and asked me what one thing he could do that I couldn't to alleviate my situation, I knew exactly what it was. I typed out the exact sentence I would send to her boyfriend, pointed out his Facebook page, and told my friend that copying that sentence and into a message would make me feel that I was atoning for my actions and accepting my blame in the matter. I try to live a life of truth and not involve myself in any lying so I knew in my heart that as wrong as sending this message was, it was the right thing to do to set things straight. I gave the boyfriend the choice anyone would want in that same situation, and whatever he decided is between him and her, but at least he had that choice.

I can admit that I was wrong to throw her out the way that I did. My emotions got the better of me, but then again leading up to that night and even during that night I gave her ample opportunities to prove she wanted to be with me, but she did nothing. I do not feel I was viciously malicious because when you back someone into a corner they either turn and run or stand and fight. I used to be a lover who didn’t fight, but dating failure after failure has turned me into a fighter who doesn’t love freely. But then there’s little need for me to apologize when there’s nothing left to salvage. If there were something still there then she would be the one who understands why I did what I did and it wouldn’t be just another failure. As for my revelations, you can call it vengeance, violation of the code, breaking a promise, or call it justice, but I stand resolute that it was the right thing to do. Still my heart has grown weary of dealing with these females who take it all and never give.

All is Fair in Truth, Love, and Nasty Breakups (Part 1): Temptations Abound

"You guys should fuck" she said to her crazy, drunk, horny, bi-curious friend. "It's ok with me, I don't care. Besides, he's a good lay." That was the dagger the girl I was dating and visiting delivered to end that drunken night out. As if cussing me out for not buying her water since I had no cash, flirting with 2 guys on the street in front of me, offering to go for a ride in their car with them, ignoring her friends who were apologizing to me for her, blocking me from getting into the cab home with her where my stuff was, and telling me to leave her alone because she had a boyfriend wasn’t enough. As she passed out, her friend sat there in a thong and my borrowed t-shirt giving me that unmistakable look while I ate an egg and cheese bagel and pondered how I always get myself into these situations.

It feels good to be wanted, especially when you’re being rejected. But as crazy as that situation was which was as big and round as her friend’s ass was, I couldn’t go through with it. Even though my involvement seemed to be ending that night, she was who I wanted to make it work with. As I drove the friend home the next morning, she told me to let her know how things worked out between us because if it didn’t work out then she was very interested. I already knew what I wanted, but it takes two to make a thing go right.

People love to say that a man is only as faithful as his options. I disagree. After that, I had 1 revisit and no fewer than 2 additional new opportunities to get down on the side with but passed on all 3. I won’t deny my guilt of being a flirt, but when the person you are with can’t make you feel appreciated or cared for, it’s sometimes nice to feel wanted and appreciated. But flirting isn’t fucking, and a man is as faithful as his choices and his actions. I’m not guilty, but then I didn’t say I was innocent either.

She wanted to be treated as my girlfriend, and I wanted her to be, but she couldn’t commit to the title, time, and effort required for that role. I obliged for the most part but never went the extra mile because she never met me halfway. Before we even began I told her if it got serious between us, then her situation would become a major issue. She had reassured me that her relationship was waning with less and less time spent and that things would inevitably come to an end. But it didn’t. True to form, her situation was the primary factor in all of our fights.

As time wore on and our fights grew worse, the depth of her pattern of lying and cheating was revealed. As an almost barometer, I kept seeing her friend from that particular night socially, and privately wondered if I made the right choice. Sometimes the seemingly nice ones on the outside are the unstable and crazy ones on the inside while the crazy ones on the outside are more stable and responsible on the inside. You never can tell, and as her birthday approached, I knew so was my limit and breaking point. But I tried to push through selflessly because her party plans hinged on my ability to chauffeur her to her various getaway destinations as her pseudo-boyfriend.

Fate truly has a sense of irony. As the friend drove me and this chick’s passed out post-birthday self to my apartment, I couldn’t help but remember the last time this situation occurred. The flirt in me openly wondered if things might be different if I had chosen different last time, but my dick was simply too small for her big ole ass. I told the friend she deserved to be happy and I hoped she meets a man who truly appreciates her and gives her what she wants because I felt my time with her friend would soon be coming to an end as I had put up with way too much and was growing tired of the boyfriend situation and needed to be treated better than second fiddle. But I was curious what it would have been like if I could act on lust and cheat without regard for another’s feelings, but it simply couldn’t happen as I could never do that to her.

That’s the thing about temptation; it is always going to present itself at your weakest moments. But your actions in those weakest moments come to define your relationships. I’ve experienced those moments and have acted wisely, poorly, had things lost in translation and been misunderstood, done the right thing and it still didn’t work out the way I wanted, and even done the craziest thing I could come up with. I feel like the right person will be able to understand and help make it work but with everyone else it will fail. Then again, it helps to be able to resist temptation and ignore distracting, tempting opportunities and that starts with knowing what you want.

To Be Continued...