Re: Own Your Penis

My buddy wrote a blog Own Your Penis on his Raid My Words about giving his teenage brother advice on sex. I thought I might throw my own advice out there based on my own empirical data.

In talking with many women, they don't care about length as long as it's 6 inches or bigger, but they do care about girth. Since the average vagina is only 5 inches deep but looseness may vary, men care more about girth too. A big dick (8 inches or bigger) can feel good because it's big and hits places no other man can hit. A thick dick is even better because it fills her. But a good dick feels good because he knows how to work what he has and make her feel things no other man has made her feel. The man with the big dick can do less but still please her, whereas the other man has to learn to put in the effort to satisfy her. The same goes for women. A good looking woman may just lie there and make you do all the work because she thinks she can be lazy since she looks good and it's the man's job to please her. A good, or maybe it’s bad, woman will work the shit out of your dick, but may not look the best. Which would you prefer? The same even goes for hearts and relationships too. Aren’t many things in life ultimately about dedication and effort?

Your dick is a muscle so it does get bigger the more you use it, masturbation included. But we're not talking inches growth in length, more like millimeters. But it does gain girth because the muscle gets stronger. Look at your biceps, they don't get longer but they do get thicker with workouts. That being said, 5 minutes into your sock isn't working out and we're talking full arousal high intensity exercise, not just a release. Look at the people who pick up weights with their penis, it can be trained.

Teenage girls don't know what good dick is just as teenage boys don't know what good pussy is. Do you trust teenagers for advice on good food, best investments, or music selections? We all discover quality later in life with a mutually explorative partner or from an older, more experienced lover. A great lover is made, not born. Someone turns you out and you will turn someone out, just as you will break someone's heart and someone will break yours. It's cyclical like that, especially when you realize later in life that there's less than 6, or sometimes 2, degrees of sexual partners with the girl you want to fuck and the person you most hate in the entire world.

Condoms are a must until you reach the emotional maturity to understand what the hell you're doing to each other or until you acquire some financial security to either provide for a little one when you inevitably mess up or afford the cocktail of pills keeping you alive. It's a two-fold purpose: protect yourself and don't procreate what you can't afford. Not to be a debbie downer, but using a condom doesn't protect against herpes and HPV because it's possible the infected skin areas are not on her vagina. It's less than 100% effective against gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, and HIV because, besides the possibility of breaking, the skin above your dick and your balls are not covered by latex and the women's vaginal secretions can easily end up on either. If you have a cut on your finger and finger her, or have a cut in your mouth and go down on her, it's putting a direct open wound in contact with a potential source of infection which is what latex condoms are used to prevent since the skin on your dick is so thin it's prone to micro-abrasions which provide a direct opening to your blood. Think it's bad for a man, it's worse for a woman which is why women have higher infection rates in heterosexual relationships than men. But it's not as bad as the anus which rips and tears frequently and easily, which is why gay men have the highest rates of infection. Scared yet? Then just wait.

As for lasting long enough, it depends on the woman. Some want a man who runs marathons and some prefer sprinters. It's real simple to find out what she likes. Ask. Otherwise, if she cuddles or falls asleep after, you lasted long enough. If she pulls out a toy to finish herself off, complains you should have waited, or has enough energy to dance around or otherwise act up then you didn't last long enough. If she's begging you to cum, has gotten dry, or has started thinking, talking about, or doing other things while still in the act then you're lasting too long. It's only a problem if you cum as soon as you put it in, within about 2 min, all the time every time. Then you have premature ejaculation and you should jerk off every day, twice a day to learn how your dick works. The average encounter is around 5-10 minutes of foreplay followed by around 10-20 minutes of sex for a grand total of 15-30 minutes. The women's anatomy requires 10-15 minutes for complete arousal whereas the man’s only requires about 1-5 minutes, hence the foreplay catch-up.

If she's thinking about her mom's stern words, that she's only doing it because you want to, or what people will think about her when they find out, then she's not going to get fully aroused, nevermind orgasm. A woman's orgasm originates in her mind, so until you've properly gained access to her mind, your abilities are handicapped. Some women are open to anyone, but understand the territory you chart has been charted by others before and will continue to be charted by others after.

Lastly, if you care about her and she cares about you then both of you can explore each other freely and comfortably. But if grown adults can’t seem to do that without introducing their own baggage, why would teenagers have better luck? Perhaps the difference is expectations and awareness, but to be honest you’re better off waiting for the right partner you’ve been dating for at least 3-6 months so there’s no pressure to be the best the first time and there’s no rush to finally do it. Believe me, as you get older it only gets easier to get laid and more complicated.

Why Do We Hurt the Ones We Love

The world is an ever changing dynamic place. If you step out of your daily routine to open your mind and alter your perspective, it can become clear that there are few absolute certainties in life, few but not none. The taxman will get his money, death comes for us all, and the sun rises every morning except for the one morning when the prior point proves true. Furthermore, if you are capable of loving and being loved and choose to do so, then you will get hurt and hurt someone at some point in your life regardless of whether you intend to or not. If you think you won’t get hurt if you don’t fall in love, you may be right but don’t think for a second that precludes you from hurting someone who falls in love with you.

Why is it that in most cases we end up hurting the people we care about and that care about us? It’s not always malicious spite with full-intentions. Some of the deepest cuts just sort of happen in the heat of the moment. I’m not talking about your reaction at arriving home from work early to plan a surprise engagement proposal and accidentally walking in on your significant other in a gangbang with your cousin, best friend, and worst enemy. I mean the little things that happen in relationships that build towards failure and sour partings: buying tickets to an event and they decide not to go, inviting them along to a social outing to get to know your friends better and they prefer to stay in at home, wanting to see them no matter the circumstances and they simply don’t do enough to allow it to happen. These incidents are often not the be-all end-all, but together in repetition they contribute towards that threshold we all have when we choose to care only about ourselves and to hell with the other person. At that breaking point, guards go up, defenses come out, and past hurts and failures bubble to the surface as a reminder of the first time you got hurt and it felt like your world was ending and you just wanted to die. Except you didn’t, and while the experience made each of us stronger, it also changes you and even makes some of us jaded.

Perhaps that’s why we often act as if we know the exact moment when someone is going to hurt us and preempt it by running away or striking first blood to lessen the blow. We know we’re just protecting ourselves because we know who has hurt us in the past and how it felt, but in doing so we give nothing to the other person. Just as we need to be understood and loved the way we want to be loved, we just as quickly cease to show love, understanding, compassion, or consideration when they strike our nerve. How can we expect to find and embrace love when our way of caring about and loving someone is to levy OUR expectations on them? If we’re going to be with them, love them, and be loved by them in return then why do we demand a return on our investment and seek proof that they’re not like everyone else we have experienced and therefore measure them by? Why is it that when we love someone, we grow to expect certain things from them: an honest effort, honest communication, fidelity, trust, our words being heard, our emotions understood, and our needs met? It doesn’t seem to matter if we can’t meet our own needs by ourselves, but if they can’t meet our expectations then someone is bound to get dismissed and hurt, and better you than me, right?

It’s with that thinking that I’ll argue most of us love selfishly, if at all. Everyone has their own agenda and the relationships that last seem to be born out of mutual interests, matching agendas, and compatible approaches to life much more than deep, profound, passionate, uncontrollable love. We all want equality in our relationship, a fair exchange, the terms of which are decided between the parties involved over various meetings and compromises. It’s more a business transaction of an optimal 6% return over the long haul or short frenetic 11% gains based on aggressive posturing because we all want our time, effort, and energy to be worth it. But the demands and expectations that work in business and business relationships simply don’t apply when it comes to real love. When emotions are involved, you can't ask for or demand things from someone especially if you are not willing to make that same effort. Emotions only care about themselves. They want, they feel, they shake, rattle, and roll you and try as you might but you can’t forever suppress them. The heart wants what it wants, when it wants it, and it either gets it or builds walls to protect itself no matter what toll it takes on the one we once gave the keys of our heart to.

Love isn’t self-serving, it’s that we’re afraid of rejection, of getting hurt. Love is a powerful, addictive, drug, and we often keep coming back for that next hit. But we want to know that it’s ok to indulge in that next hit, that it won’t break us and they won’t hurt us if we fall again. Yet do we promise that we won’t hurt them if we fall out of love with them? When it doesn’t work out do we promise to answer the phone and talk them through the weeks and months of heartache and heartbreak and all those wishes unfulfilled, dreams deferred, and hopes never realized? If it was love, then why so often when it ends, is no love shown? Whether it was or wasn’t, ultimately we must accept we all selfishly seek what we want and that manifests itself in the expectations we push upon whoever we choose to be with and possibly even fall in love with.

Many think that when someone loves you they won't hurt you. Realistically, it’s inevitably that someone who loves you will hurt you. But when someone really loves you they are willing to accept they did you wrong, apologize, and work to make sure it doesn’t happen again. When you love them, you’re willing to forgive them because you know the love you share is profound. You both believe that together you can weather any storm and be much greater than you ever could be as individuals. You understand that you'll continue to make mistakes separately and together, but neither of you gives up or walks away because you're in it together. Then again, if you don't want to get hurt, then don't fall in love, and if you don't want to hurt someone, don't let them fall in love with you, as if either of you can control who you fall in love with. Your experiences apart will never hold a flame to what they could be together if you can figure out how to make it work. I suppose that's the way love goes, you’re either able to love each other with everything you have or you end up hating each other with the same fervent passion until eventually your love for each other fades and you become nothing, no love shown and a distant memory, another reminder.

Narcissistic Sex in the City

I took a trip down VOD lane to watch the ever popular show turned movies that any contemporary heterosexual man needs to be aware of these days, especially one living in NYC: Sex and the City. I had an ex who swore by the franchise but I'm not a regular or even a fan. Yet legions of female friends and acquaintances alike seem to follow it and discuss its points, plots, and characters. I can't deny that at times there are great points made, but I must say the more I watch it, the more disenfranchised I become with dating and the values it promotes. Many women out there seem to idolize it, and as art imitates life or perhaps life imitates art, I can draw parallels with it and my dating experiences in NYC.

The movie sequel in particular had me cringing at times at the audacity of the characters and writer's portrayal of women. While I did like the conversation about how tough it is to be a mother, I then quickly hated that they were relieved to have nannies as if all women can relate. I'm aware that some women would love to get married so they can stop working and just be wined, dined, catered to, and pampered all day long as if that's the good life. But how can you claim to be a housewife and take care of the kids when you hire a nanny? I can't stand these "lazy" types and have significantly greater interest in and respect for a woman with her own goals and ambitions, like my mother who worked nights while raising 3 kids and even went back to college to earn her degree and advance her career. The movie was over the top ridiculous, as was the disrobing of the Muslim women to think women everywhere thoroughly embrace American ideals and western notions of fashion and beauty. Maybe it is that way and I'm the only one who thinks Louis Vuitton logo bags and Burberry plaid are the worst 2 designs on the planet. Then again, perhaps that explains why only 1 of the past 8 women I've been involved with was born on American soil.

These characters obsess over the latest fashion, restaurants, hot spots, and every cute guy and what he could do for her. Don't these women have any real hobbies? They come across as largely superficial and mostly devoid of any real values or significance in their lives because they only care about themselves and those people who do things for them. In the sequel, Carrie creates this beautiful apartment filling it with stuff thinking that it will bring her happiness just like that hot pair of Manolo's and Louboutin's. Material comforts don't bring true happiness because they require more and greater materialism to get your fix. But then I guess that's America, the land of the privileged, rich, and entitled with a growing separation between the haves and have nots.

In the Sex and the City influenced real world, your choices of women consist of the Carries - self-absorbed and in need of a large dose of humble pie, the Mirandas - career minded and always putting herself first and in need of a priority readjustment, the Charlottes - detached from reality and living in her own universe, and the Samanthas - unable to commit to anything long term of deeper substance but then at least she's up front about it. I can't deny their worth as women, but excuse me if I choose amongst those to remain single because I'd rather be single than deal with their psychoses. Even though it's not right, I can understand why men would behave badly with these women.

While I do like the inclusion that some of these women have careers and can support themselves, the more narcissistic ones, Carrie and Charlotte, wouldn't be enjoying their lifestyles without the earning potential they married into. There seems to be a growing prevalence of this narcissistic behavior and sense of entitlement that women feel they deserve to be wined and dined 24/7 and jetted off to foreign lands with all expenses paid, but then few women do the necessary things to create that lifestyle themselves and instead decide to fuck, date, and marry into it. So the false perception propagates creating distorted realities of how a man should court a woman encouraging gold diggers abound. After all, that's the way things should be with a real man, freely given with immediate gratification instead of working for and earning it.

Real long-term relationships don't consist of 24/7 wining and dining without the woman contributing to the cause. But that's rarely seen because they never show whose credit card is used or what transpires during typical nights in because very few people in NYC or the rest of the world can afford to eat out every single night. I remember a woman I dated complained that she encouraged her man to buy a Porsche only for him to break things off so she never got to ride in it. If a woman wants to be "treated as she deserves", then I think she should be able to pay for it all herself before she can expect it or ask for it. Still, it seems female after female wants to have the latest and greatest bought for them and embrace anyone who can take care of them and give them the lifestyle they crave. Ultimately, it's all about me and you can go to hell if you're not going to bend over backwards to cater to me, right?

Well to quote Alicia, "a real woman knows a real man always comes first, and a real man just can't deny a woman's worth". It's not that I can't take care of my woman, do everything she asks of me, or give fully of myself to her, it's that as a man I want to know such actions are appreciated, aren't taken for granted, and I know she isn't just with me because of what I do for her. There will always be another guy who comes along with better physical attributes, better clothing style, a nicer car, greater financial means, and more free time to spend with her so men want the safety and security that their woman isn't going to care. In return as a fair exchange, we won't care when a more attractive woman comes along who has her own money, doesn't need us to provide for her, take care of her, or cater to her because she's willing to take us out to dinner and get to know us, our interests, our dreams, our goals, and is willing to support us in our pursuit of them while showing us a little "sparkle" every day instead of demanding that we do more for her to convince her we really want to be with her when she isn't doing anything for us to convince us she wants to be with us.

All is Fair in Truth, Love, and Nasty Breakups (Part 2): Cheating Revelations

As the friend drove us back to my apartment, upon exiting the highway, the birthday girl woke up to us talking softly and laughing and began projecting. It was incredulous that we sat right in front of her with something obviously going on between us and for how long had we been going behind her back. I was such a hypocrite for wanting a real relationship when I was unfaithful and involving myself with other women, as evident from the time she checked my phone and all my female friends who wanted to come visit me. Suspicious people tend to find what they are looking for regardless of whether it actually exists. I didn’t even bother to defend myself because I had ample opportunities to cheat and the only cheating I did was with her for 10 months unbeknownst to her boyfriend of 2-3 years. I mean I could have stepped out with her friend behind her back but didn’t, and that had already been decided. I tell the truth for the very reason that it is told once whereas lies have to be repeated.

Everyone has their limit, and what she said next reached mine, infinity, and beyond. I wasn't doing enough to convince her that a relationship with me would be better than her current situation which she admitted she preferred because it required no real effort. Besides, her boyfriend called to wish her a happy birthday minutes before me when the clocked struck midnight. Lastly, she said she still talks to her long distance boyfriend every day and calls him before she comes over my place to visit, which at that point was 3-5 days a week almost every week. I felt so disrespected in my own home, my own place of sanctity that I needed to purge everything in that instant to try and reclaim myself, for me. No matter how strongly I felt for her, no one deserves to be treated like that. We all have a point of no return and that moment was mine. So I did the only reasonable and rational thing that I could think of, which is now the first and only time I’ve ever done such a thing. At 5 o’clock in the morning on the day after her birthday, I threw her stuff out into the hallway and told her to get out of my apartment and out of my life.

It gets better. A few weeks later, I saw she changed her online profile picture back to one of her and her boyfriend. The dating world has a twisted ethical code and the cheating world’s is even worse. She made me promise not to tell her man and in return I told her she had to promise to always tell the truth. But it seemed that she was actually going to go back to her boyfriend after 10 months of lying to him and sleeping in my bed every week, and pretend like nothing happened. I felt angry I allowed myself to become involved with her and helped facilitate her lying and cheating. Then I put myself in his shoes and how much it must suck to be head over heels in love and oblivious to the truth. Hints don't work when you are in love for reality comes in harsh buckets of ice cold water.

Regardless, I would want to know, who wouldn’t? I had a choice to get involved with an emotionally unavailable woman, but that woman’s man didn't have a choice. I was wrong to get involved and in his position, I would want to be given that choice, to believe or not believe that my partner was cheating so that I could decide whether or not I wanted to be with her.

So one thirsty Tuesday after drinks, when one of my best friends turned and asked me what one thing he could do that I couldn't to alleviate my situation, I knew exactly what it was. I typed out the exact sentence I would send to her boyfriend, pointed out his Facebook page, and told my friend that copying that sentence and into a message would make me feel that I was atoning for my actions and accepting my blame in the matter. I try to live a life of truth and not involve myself in any lying so I knew in my heart that as wrong as sending this message was, it was the right thing to do to set things straight. I gave the boyfriend the choice anyone would want in that same situation, and whatever he decided is between him and her, but at least he had that choice.

I can admit that I was wrong to throw her out the way that I did. My emotions got the better of me, but then again leading up to that night and even during that night I gave her ample opportunities to prove she wanted to be with me, but she did nothing. I do not feel I was viciously malicious because when you back someone into a corner they either turn and run or stand and fight. I used to be a lover who didn’t fight, but dating failure after failure has turned me into a fighter who doesn’t love freely. But then there’s little need for me to apologize when there’s nothing left to salvage. If there were something still there then she would be the one who understands why I did what I did and it wouldn’t be just another failure. As for my revelations, you can call it vengeance, violation of the code, breaking a promise, or call it justice, but I stand resolute that it was the right thing to do. Still my heart has grown weary of dealing with these females who take it all and never give.

All is Fair in Truth, Love, and Nasty Breakups (Part 1): Temptations Abound

"You guys should fuck" she said to her crazy, drunk, horny, bi-curious friend. "It's ok with me, I don't care. Besides, he's a good lay." That was the dagger the girl I was dating and visiting delivered to end that drunken night out. As if cussing me out for not buying her water since I had no cash, flirting with 2 guys on the street in front of me, offering to go for a ride in their car with them, ignoring her friends who were apologizing to me for her, blocking me from getting into the cab home with her where my stuff was, and telling me to leave her alone because she had a boyfriend wasn’t enough. As she passed out, her friend sat there in a thong and my borrowed t-shirt giving me that unmistakable look while I ate an egg and cheese bagel and pondered how I always get myself into these situations.

It feels good to be wanted, especially when you’re being rejected. But as crazy as that situation was which was as big and round as her friend’s ass was, I couldn’t go through with it. Even though my involvement seemed to be ending that night, she was who I wanted to make it work with. As I drove the friend home the next morning, she told me to let her know how things worked out between us because if it didn’t work out then she was very interested. I already knew what I wanted, but it takes two to make a thing go right.

People love to say that a man is only as faithful as his options. I disagree. After that, I had 1 revisit and no fewer than 2 additional new opportunities to get down on the side with but passed on all 3. I won’t deny my guilt of being a flirt, but when the person you are with can’t make you feel appreciated or cared for, it’s sometimes nice to feel wanted and appreciated. But flirting isn’t fucking, and a man is as faithful as his choices and his actions. I’m not guilty, but then I didn’t say I was innocent either.

She wanted to be treated as my girlfriend, and I wanted her to be, but she couldn’t commit to the title, time, and effort required for that role. I obliged for the most part but never went the extra mile because she never met me halfway. Before we even began I told her if it got serious between us, then her situation would become a major issue. She had reassured me that her relationship was waning with less and less time spent and that things would inevitably come to an end. But it didn’t. True to form, her situation was the primary factor in all of our fights.

As time wore on and our fights grew worse, the depth of her pattern of lying and cheating was revealed. As an almost barometer, I kept seeing her friend from that particular night socially, and privately wondered if I made the right choice. Sometimes the seemingly nice ones on the outside are the unstable and crazy ones on the inside while the crazy ones on the outside are more stable and responsible on the inside. You never can tell, and as her birthday approached, I knew so was my limit and breaking point. But I tried to push through selflessly because her party plans hinged on my ability to chauffeur her to her various getaway destinations as her pseudo-boyfriend.

Fate truly has a sense of irony. As the friend drove me and this chick’s passed out post-birthday self to my apartment, I couldn’t help but remember the last time this situation occurred. The flirt in me openly wondered if things might be different if I had chosen different last time, but my dick was simply too small for her big ole ass. I told the friend she deserved to be happy and I hoped she meets a man who truly appreciates her and gives her what she wants because I felt my time with her friend would soon be coming to an end as I had put up with way too much and was growing tired of the boyfriend situation and needed to be treated better than second fiddle. But I was curious what it would have been like if I could act on lust and cheat without regard for another’s feelings, but it simply couldn’t happen as I could never do that to her.

That’s the thing about temptation; it is always going to present itself at your weakest moments. But your actions in those weakest moments come to define your relationships. I’ve experienced those moments and have acted wisely, poorly, had things lost in translation and been misunderstood, done the right thing and it still didn’t work out the way I wanted, and even done the craziest thing I could come up with. I feel like the right person will be able to understand and help make it work but with everyone else it will fail. Then again, it helps to be able to resist temptation and ignore distracting, tempting opportunities and that starts with knowing what you want.

To Be Continued...