Man on the Side

"I can play it safe or act impulsively. I feel like driving down to see you or we can wait. What do you want me to do?" The latter she said. So I left at 11 PM and drove 3 hrs to see her. I revealed my surprise at 1 AM, arrived at 2 AM, but she didn't greet me until 3 AM. I left at 7 AM to drive her to work and then headed back home. And no, we didn't have sex. Perhaps when she left me in my car for an hour saying she’d be right out I should have known and left. Than again, I'm a glutton for troubled women with issues and the punishment that goes into dating them.

Where "The Night I Met Sujeiry" drops off is where this story picks up. Princess Guyana was the friend of a friend I chatted up on NYE while waiting for the arrival of the Dominican I met through the hoodrat outreach program. We know how that story ended, and as this one does too, let me share with you how it went.

She has a man down under. What became clearer over time was how she had only seen him 3 times over the 2 years they've dated but, despite spending a constant 6 months of that with me, she couldn't let him go. I saw the Brasilian twice in 9 months and London 5 times in a year and as great as they were, I could relate to wanting more than just a long distance love.

So I tried to remain patient and optimistic so I took a chance and went for it. As things played out she proved supportive in helping me transition to a new city. She was exactly what I needed to renew my faith in decent, supportive women with values, except she always had her situation which sat ever present in the back of my mind. It was complicated, he was exceedingly jealous and flipped anytime she went out. While our interaction started off as purely friendly, this became her first time cheating. I believe in platonic friends that weren't, aren't, and will never be lovers. But we did get involved and so I took her away for Memorial Day weekend, invited her to my birthday party, brought her along to Toronto for Caribana, planned a long Caribbean weekend on a beach whenever she could take a weekend off, accompanied her to the West Indian Festival parade in Brooklyn, protected her when everyone ran thinking someone was shooting, helped her move, let her stay at my apartment for an entire week so she could deal with a medical issue, supported her at the funeral service of her best friend's dad, provided a quiet and stable place for her to work towards changing jobs, tagged along with her and her friends whenever I was in town, invited her to hang out with mine, and even drove her back and forth so she wouldn't have to take the hour worth of buses and trains through some rough patches. I treated her as if we were in a relationship even though she could never do the little thing in return and make it official. So I was forever mindful of her situation and since we were never in a relationship, I always held back from putting in my full effort.

I'm opinionated, stubborn, and passionate so there is always friction in getting along with me. But I don't give up easily and always keep trying to talk and work things out no matter what. After all, lasting relationships require effort and hard work. But I always say the 3 C's are key: communication, commitment, compromise, because without them, it all falls apart. After 6 months, it started to become clear when she became hot and cold, inconsistent, that for every positive thing she did, she did something self-centered. I knew she was high maintenance, but it's a different flavor when you want someone to cater to your every need and want but then don't offer much in return. To me, a union is a partnership, a "we're in this together", not a one-sided affair.

This weekend a female friend wanted to visit and asked to stay in my apartment. I had once stayed on her couch for 2 work weeks while I sorted out my transition for an inter-company job change through a pair of 70 hour weeks, so of course I said yes. Princess Guyana usually stayed over my apartment on weekends, but this time she had been there the entire week and we hadn't discussed the weekend. So I told her about my friend's last minute plans and upon meeting her, she felt disrespected by her presence. I tried inviting her out and had no problems if she wanted to stay over but she was upset, angry, and hurt. While I could have done a lot more to resolve things, I simply cannot apologize to someone who thinks they do no wrong and can't apologize themselves.

Then again, she doesn't see that she's been disrespecting 2 men. Meanwhile I've been disrespecting myself for 6 months allowing myself to be the man on the side to her boyfriend. Yet she couldn't go more than 5 days before wanting out. In the end, she proved to be all about herself and catering to her way in her parting line, "so when can you bring me my stuff?" They say Aquarians are the humanitarians of the zodiac, but I think some people only care about others when it suits them, after they've taken care of themselves and their own needs, which doesn't make them much of a humanitarian in my book.

In parting, I gave her my usual dose of my brutal, context-free, end of the road truth about her, her situation, and us. I never intend to be malicious, I just want to divulge the entire truth from my perspective that we might break free and learn and grow into better people. But if I'm misunderstood, then it can be the fodder to make women feel more justified in their actions so that later on they don't have to feel any regret. Maybe then, they’ll stop trying to come back.

I knew what I was getting myself into, so I knew this was coming, but that doesn't mean I didn't hope it would end differently. It's healthy to vent and release everything you feel from time to time. But as I walked to work this morning I passed an accident scene where the taxi had jumped the curb and hit someone. The prospect of death has a way of putting into perspective the problems of the living.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Love Is All

I love you. The 3 words we all crave hearing but struggle to say wholly, completely, and truthfully. We are so ready and willing to accept love, but few are as keen to risk rejection and hurt to give it freely. Everyone these days seems to be a fan of love, but a true fan doesn't take without realizing they have to give and sacrifice in return. Someone's inability to love openly and fully limits them and affects only them negatively as it really does become their loss. Any Red Sox fan has lived this, which is what makes them so similar to jaded lovers whose soulmate was stolen by the hated pretty boy Yankees, except the caveat is they let her go and regretted it soon after. But by then, it was too late. I suppose that's why it's true that you never forget your first (love).

A good friend of mine is at a crossroads in his life. It's no secret we're not getting any younger and 30 does something to people that makes them reevaluate what is important in life, where they're going, where they've been, who they've done it all with, and why they haven't done as much as they should have. He has struggled to reenter the dating world after having spent the past 3+ years sleeping with the enemy called wifey. So I asked him pointedly what was he going to do. He admitted to me that he was ultimately going to go back to her because at least with her, he had love. Hermano, you can have love because as Lenny Kravitz puts it, "all that I want is stillness of heart", but toss in some peace of mind and we have an accord.

I remember my first. Despite all the love I had for her and still have, there's a reason it didn't work out. We wanted different things in life. She lives close by her family and has her 2 kids. Me, I love my life and everyone in it. But they would not all be in it and things would be drastically different if I had gotten back with her. I have no doubts or regrets that I made the right decision because while I would have had love and the pitter-patter of little feet, I would not have had stillness of heart, peace of mind, or the self-renewing happiness I am working to create. I am an advocate of the idea that you can't make someone else happy if you cannot, by yourself, make yourself truly happy.

Early in relationships, I find people tend to be self-serving. They want you to be understanding of their situation and any problems and issues they face but don't always show the same consideration for anything you might be dealing with. I guess this is natural since people only enter into and remain in relationships where they see themselves benefiting in some way. So how can you trust that your partner will ever have your best interests at heart? Well, you can't and you shouldn't. You either make the leap or move on to the next one.

Some partners grow to be truly selfless when called upon, but others will always care about themselves first and everyone else second. This can work well, so long as both parties put each other on the same level of importance. If one person is a secondary option while the other is a primary priority, there becomes a perceived lack of effort with one side putting in more and difficulties are sure to arise. I once dated a girl who said she wanted a relationship where we could lead separate lives and then come together. Call me old school, but I view relationships as a "we're in it together" partnership where the point is to support and uplift each other while we grow together and strive to reach both our shared and personal goals. If you want to lead a separate life then live a single life, otherwise that coming together looks a whole lot like a late night booty call, which can work as well so long as it's a fair exchange.

Simply put, love alone is never enough to make any relationship work. Get your head out of the clouds if you still believe love is all it takes. I have observed it takes the right mix of timing, attraction, chemistry, compatibility (values, morals, goals, etc), compromise, a little bit of this love sprinkled on top for good measure, and if she's contributing her cherry then all the better. Don't believe me? Then why do so many single people want to get back to their ex that they loved so much? But why are they an ex to begin with? Why does it never work out in the end? Why else do so many of us become jaded over a lost love and end up getting involved for other reasons?

I'm a fan of love, I embrace it in my life, with my friends, and in my relationships, but there's this other thing called putting in work for your relationship and the two are not related. Death and taxes are related because you can't cheat either, but love and happiness are not because you can have one but never have the other because neither one ensures the other. Don't get me wrong, love is important, love is great, but love is not everything. Call me a cynic but don't call me a liar, because somehow living in a cardboard box in the sewer as king of mosquitoes, rats, roaches, and your smelly cousin Rodolfo eating Ramen noodles will not be enough to make anyone register on the happiness scale no matter how much love they have. We need more love in this world, but the kind that's given, not received. The eternal Bob Marley asks us, "Could this be love?" Well take it from a man who had a whole lot of "love" to give having 11+ kids with 7+ women, it certainly could be, but only you can decide if love alone will make you truly happy.