Venus AND Mars

I don’t hate Venusians, but as a Martian I am tired of hearing women drone on about how they hate men. Trust me, the feelings are mutual for men, which is why we can drop a woman so coldly. It’s annoying to hear women argue how a woman can do anything a man can do but better, including lying and cheating. Men don’t argue back because we don’t have to overcompensate for an inferiority complex since it’s a man’s world. If women were truly better, then why do women hate other women so much? In truth, men and women do the same damage to each other. We’re equal in our capacity to do great and bad to ourselves and others.

We all make gender generalities based upon our past failures; even I’m a huge culprit of this. We then try to find the exceptions, the diamond in the rough. Instead of looking for exceptions why don't we stop making generalities? It’s easier to cope with our dating failures by rationalizing blame onto everyone else, rather than admitting that what we think we know is wrong and accept blame ourselves. After all, the one commonality in all of your dating failures is you. All of our experiences shape us into who we become, but single people seem to get caught up in the game and can lose sight of what is truly important, or why they’re playing in the first place. Single people are single for a reason.

Single men and women seem to dread losing their freedom and independence. Women want to be independent and free to make their own choices whereas men don’t want some woman trying to control their lives and tell them what to do. Both seem to think the right person will come along, making you want to forfeit your freedom and independence and build something special. But a great relationship shouldn’t require you to give up your independence or freedom because you should be able to be honest and trust one another. Sure if your freedom entails flirting with everyone who shows attention, hanging out with old flames, entertaining the idea of something more with “friends”, and fucking everyone you want then keep embracing the party and perpetual experience of meeting someone new because eventually it will get old and you will want more than a casual sex toy partner.

The one I keep hearing more and more from those fed up with dating is how “I’m doing me”. It’s great that people are taking control of their lives and doing what they want to do, but what exactly were they doing before? I’m not so certain they were giving freely and selflessly of themselves, putting their partner first, since most were already single. Wouldn’t it make more sense to say “I’m taking a break” and stay single and uninvolved? But they don’t want to be single and are just lying to others and especially themselves. It’s a cop out for self-centered behavior and they’re going to do whatever they want without consideration for anyone’s feelings but their own. They don’t want to apologize if they treat someone like shit.

Truthfully, we all want that soul mate who’s going to do it all for us. As we get older we learn to accept it’s crazy to think one person can be everything to us and impossible for any one person to do it all from the start. Relationships exist as proof you need to learn how to do all the right things for that person over time by getting to know and understand each other. Besides, it’s a relationship not rocket science. When it clicks, it works, and while there's no need to over-think things, it does take effort and work. But in the beginning, it’s as simple as I like you, this is me, who are you, does it match, are we keen, let's try.

When it does happen, why does putting in too much effort too early seem to drive people away? It’s not always desperation because some people do know what they want. I can understand if someone wants to ensure their potential partner has a life and won’t cling 24/7, but it all comes across as games. Often, I think it’s necessary to take things slow because people have not overcome their past hurts, so going slow helps them deal better with their baggage. The problem with one side complaining “too much too soon” is usually because there is a communication gap and both people are not on the same page in terms of what they want and can do in a relationship.

Often we think we know what our partner is saying and what they mean, but often we hear and interpret things different from what was intended because sometimes we don’t listen or understand everything that is communicated. Besides, we need to keep in mind that despite our agenda of what we want, what we expect, and what we need for a healthy relationship, there is another person involved with their very own agenda that needs to be taken into consideration with ours.

Men and women communicate in different manners so much gets lost in translation. It’s as much what’s verbalized as what’s not. So to create a great relationship between Venus AND Mars, you first have to understand why it’s Venus VERSUS Mars in the first place and it all starts with bridging the fundamental difference in the way men and women communicate.

Venus vs Mars

Opposites attract. That’s why it makes sense that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. What about those who putt from the rough and play for the same team? Well, everyone knows science, politics, and religion have yet to draft the legislation necessary to eliminate illegal immigration. Truthfully, I’m all for civil rights and respecting personal choices, but that doesn’t escape the fact that Venus and Mars collide here on Earth. Some call it sex, dating, relationships, and love, but really there is a thin line between love and hate. So despite having a plethora of great female friends, I echo the sentiments of most men in saying that I hate (most) women.

More than a few women have told me how they don’t want to “just have fun” but then don’t want a serious commitment either. They don’t want a man who only wants to sleep with them but then don’t want a man who’s trying to wife them up right away either. They want a man who respects their independence and freedom but is still willing to take care of them. Of course he has to have his shit together even if she doesn’t. He must know when to be secure and when to get jealous, when to listen and when to tell her to shut up, and above all else how to be a man who acts with maturity. Men simply see this double speak as a fickle ass female not knowing what the hell she wants.

I see women accuse men of overcomplicating things and not understanding how it’s the little things that speak louder than words. Rewind a paragraph and it’s pretty clear men’s perspective is much simpler than women’s words. But men do see the little things women do and how their words don’t align with their actions, sending mixed messages and signals. I dated a female who said she wanted a great man and a great relationship, but then went around flirting with everyone, accepting any male attention that came her way. So men are forever complaining that women can’t clearly communicate or express what they want so mustn’t know.

Women say they want a nice guy, but their actions are more accepting of assholes. Rather than get hurt, it is easier to put in less and get less from a predictable asshole even if it’s not really worthwhile in the end. Since assholes get more attention, men come to believe it’s better to be an asshole than to be nice because women prefer the bad boys and pay more attention to them anyways. Just as it hurts women to fall in love and have their heart broken, it frustrates men to be good and never have a woman appreciate them for doing good, instead paying mind to the bad ones. In my experiences, each time I acted good and put a woman first, I ended up with a woman who was acting bad, taking advantage of my nice and not appreciating how far I was willing to go to try and make her happy. But every time I acted bad and didn’t even want anything more with her, she was pushing for more involvement from me.

So I have found it is possible for a man to give a woman what she wants and do all the little things. He can start by not giving a shit about her at all. If he hasn’t invested emotionally in this woman then he’s not interested in trying to make her happy over the long haul. Therefore, he can focus on creating discrete moments of temporary joy, the little things, because eventually her time will be up and then it’s on to the next one. He’s doesn’t put her first like all men are told to do with a great woman because he doesn’t care enough. So it’s easy to walk away in an instant and not look back. In reality, men want much more from a girlfriend, a potential wife, than a pretty face and a wet vagina, but if she acts out of line playing games in order to get us to invest more without equal returns, we can accept her as nothing more than a pretty face and smelly vagina.

So men either fall and become nice guys or don’t and become assholes. When men fall, we fall hard and fast willing to do anything to make our woman happy. But women need more time to fall and get over their baggage from past relationship failures. Nice guys finish last so they have to atone for the assholes. So when we do try, it’s often seen as putting in “too much too soon”. Besides women really don’t seem to value any one man more than the next, often taking what they have for granted so it seems to be all about her and getting what other women have that she doesn’t. So a man is left trying to discern if he’s her plan A or plan B because good single uninvolved women just don’t seem to exist. I guess it’s no wonder then that married men and men with girlfriends have such success with single women. They don’t care enough to invest in making her happy so they’re better prepared to provide her those little moments of joy she seems to ultimately want.

To Be Continued…

Here's To You, Mrs. Rodriguez

"I'm in love with someone else," said the 30-something I was flirting with at the bar. I'd met her about a year ago and we'd almost done our thing months prior when she was in town, but she didn't want our first experience to be in the car. So I admitted, "that's OK, I'm in love with someone else too." She leaned in for the kiss and when I opened my eyes deep in her embrace, it must have been profound because a young 20-something behind her wouldn't stop staring at me for the rest of the night. She continued, "I do love him but I just feel this attraction, this strong desire to be with you. Your touch. Your kiss. I want to know what it's like to be with you, if you're as good as I think you will be. Then we can go back to being friends with no revisiting."

I felt the same yearning and now our shared romantic failures gave us an even stronger connection. I had invited a mutual friend, hoping to prevent this inevitability, but the friend forgot her ID then locked herself out and the bouncers were fresh from Bouncer School and wouldn't let anyone on the guest list in despite the monsoon weather. So as we disappeared around the corner into a local dive, it became apparent that even God wanted us to fuck. So I looked at her knowingly and asked her what she wanted to do. She took a moment, purred, and whispered, "let's go to your place". How I love older women.

Everyone wants their new relationship to be their last, but age seems to bring the experience of knowing that not every new person you meet is going to be happily ever after. Hopefully, at the least, it’s a shared experience that gets both people closer to happiness and the possibility of being with that one person that will love them unconditionally. The youth are in a rush to find love, to find their soulmate. They want every new person they meet to be the one, becoming so impatient that they miss great opportunities because they look too hard, thinking they know the way when they don't even understand themselves.

It’s a common notion that many 20-somethings, especially the younger variety, are only good for sex. They often say they want someone great, but then don’t have a clue how to land or keep him. It’s that phase of self-destructive behavior they go through with an innate propensity for pushing away nice, decent men in favor of guys who end up treating them badly, just so they can get their way. Ultimately, they're immature and insecure, maintaining expectations on how a man should behave yet often don’t know how to treat one in return. Maturity isn’t always measured in actions; it’s a comfort level a person reaches that comes across in their presence and demeanor, reflecting their state of mind and well-being. If women are like wine and only get better with age, then 20-somethings are freshly corked and despite the pretty packaging, you learn to leave them alone because they’re often too bitter and sour to buy.

The biggest asset 20-somethings have is their physical appearance. They’re attractive, but really it’s due to luck and since they haven’t earned it, I personally refuse to call them beautiful. Only the best learn and grow into themselves to become beautiful. Besides, many 20-somethings seem to still be going through relationship puberty. They’re not entirely over the abuse they suffered in past relationships and some haven’t even recovered from their teen relationships when they chose to get involved before properly developing themselves as individuals. If you can't make yourself happy, then how can you expect someone else to make you happy?

It’s no guarantee, but I’ve found 30-somethings tend to come across as more direct, honest and straightforward with what they want and expect in a relationship and what is deemed acceptable behavior. Having weathered life experiences, they seem to have learned not to expect the moon and are often more accepting and willing to compromise if they decide to get involved. Those that took care of what they were blessed with are truly beautiful whereas their careless counterparts fell by the wayside having aged poorly. In my experiences, many 30-somethings have that true calm, poise, and maturity about them that most 20-somethings fake. It's like comparing boys and men or store sized and tailored clothes, once you experience the quality of a real woman, you wonder why you bothered to waste your time all along.

I fondly remember my time with the Brasilian because she gave me the space and freedom to be my individual self but outlined what I needed to do to keep her happy and loving me. Nothing was ever harder than it needed to be. But she preferred no kids and having 38 years, that window was closing for her if I wanted them. I could handle kids well if I had them, but I am at least 5 years away from wanting any. Besides, my longest relationship is 1 month shy of 3 years so I can’t picture marriage or starting a family without first passing that milestone. 20-somethings don’t have a limited window in starting a family, which is a sizeable advantage over their 30-something counterparts. If it wasn't for that or if I could accept not having kids, I swear I would never date a woman in her 20's ever again.