Don’t Let the Love (Or Bed) Bugs Bite

I have just become another statistic. I am another check in the positive column, another victim, another story, just another face in the crowd. I lived life, took some chances, and have now been burned. All the good advice, lessons lived and learned, and warning signs everywhere don’t amount to squat now. It didn’t work for me, and even though you won’t listen and will believe it can never happen to you, I am here warning you that it can happen to you just as easily. So adios to my romantic life, goodbye to late night booty calls, farewell to morning sex, good night and sleep tight. I have the modern day clap, contemporary leprosy, and the gift NYC offers to the rest of the world: I have bed bugs.

I heeded all the advice. I checked all my bags daily and all the hotels I stayed in, scouring the beds before, during, and after. A friend even told me how his exterminator buddy discovered the wooden subway benches are infested so I avoided them at all costs. Besides I am immaculate. Back in college my roommates called me Martha Stewart because I would stay up until sunrise cleaning up after our parties ended. The other day I got a notice that someone in my apartment building had bed bugs so they offered free inspections. I accepted, figuring better to be safe than sorry. Surprise on me. I haven’t seen any signs of them, but the dog says they’re there. But we are in the age of the ego, so it can be reasoned that I am not to blame. Worst case scenario the dog should be euthanized and best case I’m owed a monetary settlement.

OK, perhaps I’m being a bit melodramatic. Then again, that’s what doctors tell you about cold sores and herpes. When I found out, first I called home to break the bad news to my family. After, I called the woman whose vagina had been over the most. She immediately decided she wasn’t coming over until after the treatments were done, but then she came to her senses and recanted. Since I “got” them first then I have become the one who gave them to everyone else. After all, everyone thinks it cannot be me so whoever smelt it, dealt it. It’s so similar to STD’s where ignorance allows an infection because of a failure by others to detect through testing. “I hope YOU didn’t give them to ME”. In reality, the issue begs how they know they didn’t give them to you in the first place? Ultimately, the blame game is pointless because it doesn’t contribute to a solution.

So it really is no different from STD’s, complete with awkward calls revealing your status or poems revealing an incurable condition. “Roses can be red, violets are sometimes blue, the doctor says I definitely have herpes, so now so do you!”. At least with the clap, you can think back, “damn, I knew I should have used a condom on that 6th hooker that crazy night in Amsterdam.” With herpes you can blame yourself, “that’s what I get for dropping a few hundred at legendary Sin City fingering and licking snatches.” But with bed bugs, it’s more like, “wait, that overpriced $15 horror flick in that crowded movie theater was on infested seats that gave me a gift that keeps on giving?” Bed bugs are the new disease, the new date and relationship killer. But it doesn’t kill love because if it were love, people wouldn’t be so quick to exit stage left. If a romantic interest can’t weather something as minor as an infestation scare, how can we expect them to weather something as complex and challenging as marriage?

Around this time last year I got sick and lost my voice for a month. At the time, I was involved with 5 different women. I was closest to the Colombian, but she didn’t want to deal with it and told me to call her when I could talk. The Jamaican said she couldn’t understand me and would call me later but never did. The Haitian said poor me and even though she kept calling, she kept things brief preferring to wait for my voice to return. The Brasilian was content with my hand motions on skype but thought her brujeria would cure me, but only if I returned to her country. But the Dominican who I knew the least about was the only one willing to spend hours trying to converse and listen to what I could whisper. She was the only one who seemed to make an effort at my low point, which became a major reason why I dropped all the others cold and pursued just her once I felt we had chemistry. Of course we all know how she really turned out.

There are lessons to be learned every day at every step of the way if you’re willing to stop and look closer, look deeper at everything around you. Dating problems are only problems if you see them as problems. Marriage takes work, so it’s a blessing when you discover someone prefers to run at the slightest inclination of there being an issue because you immediately know they are not the one. Perhaps this month of treatment and solitude will be good to help me refresh who really wants to be in my life and who is only around when times are good. So good night, sleep tight, and perhaps the love bug will bite, because if it’s not love then you’ll find yourself living life out of black garbage bags. Better yet, as a good friend suggested we should mandate body condoms to prevent infection, just as long as the condoms have a hole for where the fucking happens. The love bug came and bit me, but when I awoke all I found was the leftover hollow shell of a bug once in my bed, a small price to pay for taking a chance at building something to last a lifetime.

Man on the Side

"I can play it safe or act impulsively. I feel like driving down to see you or we can wait. What do you want me to do?" The latter she said. So I left at 11 PM and drove 3 hrs to see her. I revealed my surprise at 1 AM, arrived at 2 AM, but she didn't greet me until 3 AM. I left at 7 AM to drive her to work and then headed back home. And no, we didn't have sex. Perhaps when she left me in my car for an hour saying she’d be right out I should have known and left. Than again, I'm a glutton for troubled women with issues and the punishment that goes into dating them.

Where "The Night I Met Sujeiry" drops off is where this story picks up. Princess Guyana was the friend of a friend I chatted up on NYE while waiting for the arrival of the Dominican I met through the hoodrat outreach program. We know how that story ended, and as this one does too, let me share with you how it went.

She has a man down under. What became clearer over time was how she had only seen him 3 times over the 2 years they've dated but, despite spending a constant 6 months of that with me, she couldn't let him go. I saw the Brasilian twice in 9 months and London 5 times in a year and as great as they were, I could relate to wanting more than just a long distance love.

So I tried to remain patient and optimistic so I took a chance and went for it. As things played out she proved supportive in helping me transition to a new city. She was exactly what I needed to renew my faith in decent, supportive women with values, except she always had her situation which sat ever present in the back of my mind. It was complicated, he was exceedingly jealous and flipped anytime she went out. While our interaction started off as purely friendly, this became her first time cheating. I believe in platonic friends that weren't, aren't, and will never be lovers. But we did get involved and so I took her away for Memorial Day weekend, invited her to my birthday party, brought her along to Toronto for Caribana, planned a long Caribbean weekend on a beach whenever she could take a weekend off, accompanied her to the West Indian Festival parade in Brooklyn, protected her when everyone ran thinking someone was shooting, helped her move, let her stay at my apartment for an entire week so she could deal with a medical issue, supported her at the funeral service of her best friend's dad, provided a quiet and stable place for her to work towards changing jobs, tagged along with her and her friends whenever I was in town, invited her to hang out with mine, and even drove her back and forth so she wouldn't have to take the hour worth of buses and trains through some rough patches. I treated her as if we were in a relationship even though she could never do the little thing in return and make it official. So I was forever mindful of her situation and since we were never in a relationship, I always held back from putting in my full effort.

I'm opinionated, stubborn, and passionate so there is always friction in getting along with me. But I don't give up easily and always keep trying to talk and work things out no matter what. After all, lasting relationships require effort and hard work. But I always say the 3 C's are key: communication, commitment, compromise, because without them, it all falls apart. After 6 months, it started to become clear when she became hot and cold, inconsistent, that for every positive thing she did, she did something self-centered. I knew she was high maintenance, but it's a different flavor when you want someone to cater to your every need and want but then don't offer much in return. To me, a union is a partnership, a "we're in this together", not a one-sided affair.

This weekend a female friend wanted to visit and asked to stay in my apartment. I had once stayed on her couch for 2 work weeks while I sorted out my transition for an inter-company job change through a pair of 70 hour weeks, so of course I said yes. Princess Guyana usually stayed over my apartment on weekends, but this time she had been there the entire week and we hadn't discussed the weekend. So I told her about my friend's last minute plans and upon meeting her, she felt disrespected by her presence. I tried inviting her out and had no problems if she wanted to stay over but she was upset, angry, and hurt. While I could have done a lot more to resolve things, I simply cannot apologize to someone who thinks they do no wrong and can't apologize themselves.

Then again, she doesn't see that she's been disrespecting 2 men. Meanwhile I've been disrespecting myself for 6 months allowing myself to be the man on the side to her boyfriend. Yet she couldn't go more than 5 days before wanting out. In the end, she proved to be all about herself and catering to her way in her parting line, "so when can you bring me my stuff?" They say Aquarians are the humanitarians of the zodiac, but I think some people only care about others when it suits them, after they've taken care of themselves and their own needs, which doesn't make them much of a humanitarian in my book.

In parting, I gave her my usual dose of my brutal, context-free, end of the road truth about her, her situation, and us. I never intend to be malicious, I just want to divulge the entire truth from my perspective that we might break free and learn and grow into better people. But if I'm misunderstood, then it can be the fodder to make women feel more justified in their actions so that later on they don't have to feel any regret. Maybe then, they’ll stop trying to come back.

I knew what I was getting myself into, so I knew this was coming, but that doesn't mean I didn't hope it would end differently. It's healthy to vent and release everything you feel from time to time. But as I walked to work this morning I passed an accident scene where the taxi had jumped the curb and hit someone. The prospect of death has a way of putting into perspective the problems of the living.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Love Is All

I love you. The 3 words we all crave hearing but struggle to say wholly, completely, and truthfully. We are so ready and willing to accept love, but few are as keen to risk rejection and hurt to give it freely. Everyone these days seems to be a fan of love, but a true fan doesn't take without realizing they have to give and sacrifice in return. Someone's inability to love openly and fully limits them and affects only them negatively as it really does become their loss. Any Red Sox fan has lived this, which is what makes them so similar to jaded lovers whose soulmate was stolen by the hated pretty boy Yankees, except the caveat is they let her go and regretted it soon after. But by then, it was too late. I suppose that's why it's true that you never forget your first (love).

A good friend of mine is at a crossroads in his life. It's no secret we're not getting any younger and 30 does something to people that makes them reevaluate what is important in life, where they're going, where they've been, who they've done it all with, and why they haven't done as much as they should have. He has struggled to reenter the dating world after having spent the past 3+ years sleeping with the enemy called wifey. So I asked him pointedly what was he going to do. He admitted to me that he was ultimately going to go back to her because at least with her, he had love. Hermano, you can have love because as Lenny Kravitz puts it, "all that I want is stillness of heart", but toss in some peace of mind and we have an accord.

I remember my first. Despite all the love I had for her and still have, there's a reason it didn't work out. We wanted different things in life. She lives close by her family and has her 2 kids. Me, I love my life and everyone in it. But they would not all be in it and things would be drastically different if I had gotten back with her. I have no doubts or regrets that I made the right decision because while I would have had love and the pitter-patter of little feet, I would not have had stillness of heart, peace of mind, or the self-renewing happiness I am working to create. I am an advocate of the idea that you can't make someone else happy if you cannot, by yourself, make yourself truly happy.

Early in relationships, I find people tend to be self-serving. They want you to be understanding of their situation and any problems and issues they face but don't always show the same consideration for anything you might be dealing with. I guess this is natural since people only enter into and remain in relationships where they see themselves benefiting in some way. So how can you trust that your partner will ever have your best interests at heart? Well, you can't and you shouldn't. You either make the leap or move on to the next one.

Some partners grow to be truly selfless when called upon, but others will always care about themselves first and everyone else second. This can work well, so long as both parties put each other on the same level of importance. If one person is a secondary option while the other is a primary priority, there becomes a perceived lack of effort with one side putting in more and difficulties are sure to arise. I once dated a girl who said she wanted a relationship where we could lead separate lives and then come together. Call me old school, but I view relationships as a "we're in it together" partnership where the point is to support and uplift each other while we grow together and strive to reach both our shared and personal goals. If you want to lead a separate life then live a single life, otherwise that coming together looks a whole lot like a late night booty call, which can work as well so long as it's a fair exchange.

Simply put, love alone is never enough to make any relationship work. Get your head out of the clouds if you still believe love is all it takes. I have observed it takes the right mix of timing, attraction, chemistry, compatibility (values, morals, goals, etc), compromise, a little bit of this love sprinkled on top for good measure, and if she's contributing her cherry then all the better. Don't believe me? Then why do so many single people want to get back to their ex that they loved so much? But why are they an ex to begin with? Why does it never work out in the end? Why else do so many of us become jaded over a lost love and end up getting involved for other reasons?

I'm a fan of love, I embrace it in my life, with my friends, and in my relationships, but there's this other thing called putting in work for your relationship and the two are not related. Death and taxes are related because you can't cheat either, but love and happiness are not because you can have one but never have the other because neither one ensures the other. Don't get me wrong, love is important, love is great, but love is not everything. Call me a cynic but don't call me a liar, because somehow living in a cardboard box in the sewer as king of mosquitoes, rats, roaches, and your smelly cousin Rodolfo eating Ramen noodles will not be enough to make anyone register on the happiness scale no matter how much love they have. We need more love in this world, but the kind that's given, not received. The eternal Bob Marley asks us, "Could this be love?" Well take it from a man who had a whole lot of "love" to give having 11+ kids with 7+ women, it certainly could be, but only you can decide if love alone will make you truly happy.

My Unrequited Love

This week marks a year since the day she walked into my life. She walked right back out, but I expected no less. 2 months later she came back in on her own volition. This time she stayed and a month later I experienced her as I knew I wanted the moment I laid eyes on her. I should have know then what it was, but I was hurt, jaded, and living a lie as a player involved with a few women that I wasn't in love with. I’ve never lied to her. In fact, a day hasn’t passed that I haven’t thought about her. I’ve never wanted anyone more than her since that first day, and I haven't had anyone else in my heart the way she was since she left me standing in the cold.

From the first time I truly experienced her, I was hooked like an addict to their drug. Except my drug was love and she was my Helen of Troy, my Mona Lisa, my Aphrodite, my Oshun, my morning and my evening sun. For women that question do players feel, I am living proof that love and loss is what makes men players. That is why we choose not to care, to play games, to lie, and involve ourselves casually with multiple women. It guards our heart, keeps us safe, and protects us from falling and making just any woman the center of our world. We guard the keys to our hearts with the fiercest devotion, the same devotion some men are fortunate enough to use to protect their daughters and their family. All men experience this heartbreak once and most promise themselves never again. I am not most men and I’ve never wanted to be a player.

That's the funny thing about love, when some men fall, we fall forever. We never forget the woman we fell in love with. When we fall, we never give up. We remember her smell, her taste, her feel, her smile, and her eyes. We remember how it felt being with her. We remember her laugh, the face she made when she came, and the face she made when she cried. We never wanted to hurt her, but despite all her strength we never understood her vulnerabilities. Our heart never stops loving her even if our follow through is off the mark or our mind convinces us to finally let go and move on. We carry this to the grave because we never forget her and how she made us feel being with her.

Countless times I have woken up and gone to bed thinking about only one woman. Often it wasn't even the woman lying next to me. But sex didn't dissipate my feelings; it just helped me bottle them up so I wouldn't walk around hurting so much. My beloved chose not to be there beside me and every new woman helped me feel less and less until I could act without regard for her or myself. I could bury my feelings and my love so deep that only one person could ever hope to bring me salvation. But she never did. The women we love never understand the power of forgiveness. We may act in hate, displaying bitter resentment, but the stronger and more negative we react to her, the deeper our love was. A woman understanding this can pull us aside and with the gentlest of touches, caress our face, hold our hand, look into our eyes, and with powerful words say that she's sorry.

Sorry she never called. Sorry she never thought of us. Sorry for the fights, the hurtful words, the silence and the ignoring. Sorry she couldn't be completely honest with us. Sorry she wasn't there for us when we needed her most. Sorry she didn't comprehend our actions. Sorry she couldn't understand the magnitude of our despair and make all our hurt go away. Sorry she involved herself with other men who didn't who didn't see her the way we saw her and didn’t love her the way we did. Sorry she never understood how profound, how deep, how pure, and how true our love was for her and how she instead marginalized our feelings for her. Sorry she took that love for granted. Sorry she didn't love us in return. Sorry she wasn’t a better woman to us.

So I have spent many months now moving on and letting go. You can't choose who you fall in love with which is why so many men choose to never fall. But with her, I felt something that I have never felt with anyone else. So I will bottle up my feelings until the bottle collects dust and sits in the dark recesses of my soul where it will remain hidden and dormant until my dying breath. Hopefully, I'll go a day, a week, maybe even a month, and God help me a year not remembering where that shelf is. This is men's secret. This is how we love; this is how I love, with everything I have. So as a year passes and more milestones and memories fill my thoughts, I can muster one absolute truth from all that has transpired: I love you Cristmelda, and I always will. You can’t decide who you fall for but sometimes no matter how you feel, all the love you have to give simply isn't enough. So the bottle goes back on the shelf where it will be lost forever, if I’m lucky.

First 2 Bags Fly Free

I think of love as swinging at the piñata: some people will set you up and help you succeed because everyone wins when you break it open; others will let you miss, smack yourself in the face, and then laugh at you because they think better you than them. We’ve all been hurt by swinging our stick too wildly in the name of love. What we don’t always realize is some of us keep swinging blindfolded or choose the 300 pound stick to swing with. This is love, not demolition or rocket science. I know because I’ve done rocket science and had more success with demolition. We have certainly all done our part to demolish our own love lives.

I’ve observed that men seem to fall in love right away or not at all while women seem to need time to grow to love someone. Regardless, it can be hard to please a partner when they’ve already decided your future with them before getting to understand you. The fundamental difference and obstacle we seem to have to overcome is the communication gap: men and women simply communicate differently. Add in each person’s emotional baggage and it’s no wonder we don’t even begin to understand each other and ultimately part ways before realizing each others’ true potential. Everyone wants that one special person but sometimes it takes more than one person to unlock all of you.

The thing about dating is you must have a sense of who you are as an individual going in because a bad relationship will spin you around and push everything onto you creating baggage that would rival Princess Vespa’s match set in Spaceballs. At some point, we have all destroyed that new relationship based on the baggage we carry from past experiences. Of course, rarely do we see those failures as our fault. With baggage, we push people away rather than let them in. It’s one thing to be picky, choosy, and not tolerate bad behavior, but it’s another thing to act based upon past transgressions that have nothing to do with the current person in your life other than to remind you of what happened before. Then again, the truth is we all have baggage and take out on the new one what the last ones did to us. Sometimes, I think it’s better to be able to say I live baggage free than drama free.

We've all been with shitty partners so you can’t always judge someone for choosing a bad partner. It’s not their fault the one they chose turned out so bad, but a red flag definitely goes up when a pattern of bad choices emerges. There is a reason that the same things happen repeatedly and eventually you have to realize it has nothing to do with the other people since the one commonality is you. It can be a mind trip dealing with people who are coming off bad relationship experiences. The important thing to discover is how they dealt with and overcame their negative experiences to learn, change, grow, and evolve after their mistakes or lack thereof.

I came to a realization this spring that I too had my baggage. I was fixated on having certain things be a certain way, the same way they were with the one I loved before. I didn’t have the patience or foresight to realize that I was judging my new relationships based on stale criteria. While I was eager to get our new relationship, experiences, and feelings to be as good as I had known before, I was really trying to relive the glory days and couldn’t accept that my game had changed. Naturally, my new partners were never comfortable living in someone else’s shadow that I never fully realized I was casting. My frustrations got to the point where less and less needed to be done to set off my negative reactions. Now, I've learned you have to keep an open mind to create new and better experiences because you can’t love the same way with everyone.

Encumbered by baggage, some people can’t move on; they can’t fly free. So people tend to stick to what they know but then wonder why the same things keep happening to them over and over again. There is only stagnation in playing it safe. The ability to know and control all is not as great as it sounds. We need challenges and obstacles in life to learn from, to overcome so we can make our lives better. Baggage forms when we don’t deal with the root cause of our problems and negative experiences. Baggage becomes a burden, a hindrance and inhibits us from taking the most from new experiences, new relationships because we fear the past and how it made us feel. Truthfully, there is little to gain in numbing ourselves to the world because of hurt from past failures. So we can choose to retreat to what we know and is familiar, but in doing so we have to settle for and become accepting of less.

I feel life was simpler when I wasn’t romantically involved with women. Life was easier, better even. I’ve sometimes wished I could go back to when there were no past hurts, no games, and no baggage that influenced so strongly. Back then, I didn’t need anyone and my love was pure. But I don’t think it’s possible because that naiveté, that innocence is lost. We all have baggage, but why do we allow it to linger and adversely affect our potential to love and be loved? Maxwell says it best, “you can make it disappear, all you got to do is just raise up, face up, stay up.” We can all shed our baggage to fly free and it starts with forgiving and loving ourselves. I’ve grown to focus on positive lessons and see each experience as unique. So looking back, each woman I’ve been with has ultimately taught me something about women, love, and myself.

We have to decide for ourselves if it’s better to play it safe and take familiar and comfortable or continue to take a risk for something amazing. If you fail, you can dust yourself off and try again once you let go of hurt and move forward. In love, there is always the risk of getting hurt again, but no risk, no reward. Life is a constant process that takes time, and time heals all wounds. Just remember that life is hard enough, so there’s no reason to live yours with a 500 pound gorilla on your back.

I'll Tell You What I Want, What I Really, Really Want

We were laying in bed wasting away the day in the most lazy and comfortable possible way. In the midst of our pillow talk I revealed that in all of my long-term relationships my partner and I became each other's best friend. She responded that she would have to be the exception then, to which I retorted, "you're not a girlfriend". She frowned and looked ready to begin a heated courtroom debate but was interrupted at that exact moment by an incoming call from her long distance boyfriend. I looked at her knowingly and smiled as she muttered for me not to say anything and answered her phone.

I'm not naive by any stroke, not anymore. Despite having a pretty strong connection, I know she will never leave the safety and security her 8+ years older boyfriend provides. It's a situation I'm willing to accept because well, I'm just a fucked up individual who’s emotionally unavailable right now. Besides, she called me and initiated things, as I need most of my time to myself to focus on other things in my life. Still, I am often asked if I know what I want in terms of a woman. Without a doubt, unequivocally yes.

I want a woman that understands me. One I can trust fully, allowing me to lose control and get lost in the moments we share. The kind of experiences you can only describe where time seems to stop and stand still as nothing else matters and all other considerations go out the door. I’m an old soul, which means I want deeper connections. I crave the kind of passion that burns deep within, touching my soul and lighting it on fire. I've never seen the point in casual but I fail miserably at detaching myself fully because, believe it or not, I’ve cared for and loved more than half the girls I’ve been with, but only fallen in love with less than a handful. A little recycling can help one through drier times, but it gets old fast when you know they’re not the one. I prefer to focus on finding something serious in a lasting relationship. So if it’s really just a fair exchange of orgasms between us, no matter how good, then I’m on the lookout for a woman of greater substance who wants and can provide more.

The only difference to me between single and in a relationship is partying until dawn with the same woman each time and having it mean that much more. I value companionship and enjoy the interesting things that come from aligning two independent spirits to bridge differences and find common ground. Don’t get me wrong, it takes A LOT to be with me. She has to be very patient or equally as crazy, hopefully both. I do have a laundry list of must haves and cannot stands, but it boils down to what the heart and head can agree on. The result hopefully comes with a lot of chemistry, because I’m a huge romantic, and some adventurous bedroom experimentation, because I am definitely a freak.

People don't understand what I mean when I say I don't need a mother, a maid, a cook, a caretaker, a porn star, or a trophy wife; I want a co-pilot. I think a lot of people believe in gender roles: they expect a man and woman to do certain things and behave a certain way.

Show me a woman who pushes the lawn mower to cut the grass then downs a beer prior to heading off to her mani/pedi before later dressing to the nines in BCBG and Jimmy Choo that she bought herself. Then I'll show you a man who rides in from his soccer game on his motorcycle with a freshly written poem and a nice wine to complement the dinner he's going to cook before heading out together for a night of drinking, dancing, and conversation about musical expressions of cultural influence from around the world, why corporations and intellectual property laws stifle creative innovation and technological growth, how NASCAR is bigger than the NFL, NBA, and MLB but not Formula One or the World Cup, and why boutiques are better shopping than department stores while avoiding topics of race, religion, and politics because of the fallout with our friends from last weekend's “debate”. Private eyes will then see the night finish with some tender lovemaking followed by some break the bed, multiple orgasms fucking, collapsing into a tender full body cuddle, including knees and toes, with a healthy dose of competitive snoring.

I'm the kind of guy who will turn to his woman and tell her to clear her schedule so we can take a long weekend in Paris at this great hotel I know. I don't want to hear practical arguments. I want to see her smile and feel her zest for life. All the same if we go to the park for a hand packed picnic or cuddle up on the couch to watch a movie. I want a woman who can see little real difference between these acts because she understands it's about the effort, no matter how big or small, of wanting to spend quality time with the person you love. But trust me, we’ll go to Paris.

To me, a real woman doesn’t show only the best of her. I want to know all of her. I want us to become best friends, confidants who thrive in forthright, candid, honest communication to develop our understanding, trust, and love because a great relationship is something that is made. I know who I am and what I want. Does she know who she is and what she wants? Now does it align? I want a woman who can do a lot, but I’m not asking for anything that I feel I don’t bring to the table myself. So if I can do a lot as a man, why isn't it possible for a female version to exist? I see no reason why to strive for anything less, but in the meantime I accept less because that’s the mistake we all make.

Venus AND Mars

I don’t hate Venusians, but as a Martian I am tired of hearing women drone on about how they hate men. Trust me, the feelings are mutual for men, which is why we can drop a woman so coldly. It’s annoying to hear women argue how a woman can do anything a man can do but better, including lying and cheating. Men don’t argue back because we don’t have to overcompensate for an inferiority complex since it’s a man’s world. If women were truly better, then why do women hate other women so much? In truth, men and women do the same damage to each other. We’re equal in our capacity to do great and bad to ourselves and others.

We all make gender generalities based upon our past failures; even I’m a huge culprit of this. We then try to find the exceptions, the diamond in the rough. Instead of looking for exceptions why don't we stop making generalities? It’s easier to cope with our dating failures by rationalizing blame onto everyone else, rather than admitting that what we think we know is wrong and accept blame ourselves. After all, the one commonality in all of your dating failures is you. All of our experiences shape us into who we become, but single people seem to get caught up in the game and can lose sight of what is truly important, or why they’re playing in the first place. Single people are single for a reason.

Single men and women seem to dread losing their freedom and independence. Women want to be independent and free to make their own choices whereas men don’t want some woman trying to control their lives and tell them what to do. Both seem to think the right person will come along, making you want to forfeit your freedom and independence and build something special. But a great relationship shouldn’t require you to give up your independence or freedom because you should be able to be honest and trust one another. Sure if your freedom entails flirting with everyone who shows attention, hanging out with old flames, entertaining the idea of something more with “friends”, and fucking everyone you want then keep embracing the party and perpetual experience of meeting someone new because eventually it will get old and you will want more than a casual sex toy partner.

The one I keep hearing more and more from those fed up with dating is how “I’m doing me”. It’s great that people are taking control of their lives and doing what they want to do, but what exactly were they doing before? I’m not so certain they were giving freely and selflessly of themselves, putting their partner first, since most were already single. Wouldn’t it make more sense to say “I’m taking a break” and stay single and uninvolved? But they don’t want to be single and are just lying to others and especially themselves. It’s a cop out for self-centered behavior and they’re going to do whatever they want without consideration for anyone’s feelings but their own. They don’t want to apologize if they treat someone like shit.

Truthfully, we all want that soul mate who’s going to do it all for us. As we get older we learn to accept it’s crazy to think one person can be everything to us and impossible for any one person to do it all from the start. Relationships exist as proof you need to learn how to do all the right things for that person over time by getting to know and understand each other. Besides, it’s a relationship not rocket science. When it clicks, it works, and while there's no need to over-think things, it does take effort and work. But in the beginning, it’s as simple as I like you, this is me, who are you, does it match, are we keen, let's try.

When it does happen, why does putting in too much effort too early seem to drive people away? It’s not always desperation because some people do know what they want. I can understand if someone wants to ensure their potential partner has a life and won’t cling 24/7, but it all comes across as games. Often, I think it’s necessary to take things slow because people have not overcome their past hurts, so going slow helps them deal better with their baggage. The problem with one side complaining “too much too soon” is usually because there is a communication gap and both people are not on the same page in terms of what they want and can do in a relationship.

Often we think we know what our partner is saying and what they mean, but often we hear and interpret things different from what was intended because sometimes we don’t listen or understand everything that is communicated. Besides, we need to keep in mind that despite our agenda of what we want, what we expect, and what we need for a healthy relationship, there is another person involved with their very own agenda that needs to be taken into consideration with ours.

Men and women communicate in different manners so much gets lost in translation. It’s as much what’s verbalized as what’s not. So to create a great relationship between Venus AND Mars, you first have to understand why it’s Venus VERSUS Mars in the first place and it all starts with bridging the fundamental difference in the way men and women communicate.

Venus vs Mars

Opposites attract. That’s why it makes sense that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. What about those who putt from the rough and play for the same team? Well, everyone knows science, politics, and religion have yet to draft the legislation necessary to eliminate illegal immigration. Truthfully, I’m all for civil rights and respecting personal choices, but that doesn’t escape the fact that Venus and Mars collide here on Earth. Some call it sex, dating, relationships, and love, but really there is a thin line between love and hate. So despite having a plethora of great female friends, I echo the sentiments of most men in saying that I hate (most) women.

More than a few women have told me how they don’t want to “just have fun” but then don’t want a serious commitment either. They don’t want a man who only wants to sleep with them but then don’t want a man who’s trying to wife them up right away either. They want a man who respects their independence and freedom but is still willing to take care of them. Of course he has to have his shit together even if she doesn’t. He must know when to be secure and when to get jealous, when to listen and when to tell her to shut up, and above all else how to be a man who acts with maturity. Men simply see this double speak as a fickle ass female not knowing what the hell she wants.

I see women accuse men of overcomplicating things and not understanding how it’s the little things that speak louder than words. Rewind a paragraph and it’s pretty clear men’s perspective is much simpler than women’s words. But men do see the little things women do and how their words don’t align with their actions, sending mixed messages and signals. I dated a female who said she wanted a great man and a great relationship, but then went around flirting with everyone, accepting any male attention that came her way. So men are forever complaining that women can’t clearly communicate or express what they want so mustn’t know.

Women say they want a nice guy, but their actions are more accepting of assholes. Rather than get hurt, it is easier to put in less and get less from a predictable asshole even if it’s not really worthwhile in the end. Since assholes get more attention, men come to believe it’s better to be an asshole than to be nice because women prefer the bad boys and pay more attention to them anyways. Just as it hurts women to fall in love and have their heart broken, it frustrates men to be good and never have a woman appreciate them for doing good, instead paying mind to the bad ones. In my experiences, each time I acted good and put a woman first, I ended up with a woman who was acting bad, taking advantage of my nice and not appreciating how far I was willing to go to try and make her happy. But every time I acted bad and didn’t even want anything more with her, she was pushing for more involvement from me.

So I have found it is possible for a man to give a woman what she wants and do all the little things. He can start by not giving a shit about her at all. If he hasn’t invested emotionally in this woman then he’s not interested in trying to make her happy over the long haul. Therefore, he can focus on creating discrete moments of temporary joy, the little things, because eventually her time will be up and then it’s on to the next one. He’s doesn’t put her first like all men are told to do with a great woman because he doesn’t care enough. So it’s easy to walk away in an instant and not look back. In reality, men want much more from a girlfriend, a potential wife, than a pretty face and a wet vagina, but if she acts out of line playing games in order to get us to invest more without equal returns, we can accept her as nothing more than a pretty face and smelly vagina.

So men either fall and become nice guys or don’t and become assholes. When men fall, we fall hard and fast willing to do anything to make our woman happy. But women need more time to fall and get over their baggage from past relationship failures. Nice guys finish last so they have to atone for the assholes. So when we do try, it’s often seen as putting in “too much too soon”. Besides women really don’t seem to value any one man more than the next, often taking what they have for granted so it seems to be all about her and getting what other women have that she doesn’t. So a man is left trying to discern if he’s her plan A or plan B because good single uninvolved women just don’t seem to exist. I guess it’s no wonder then that married men and men with girlfriends have such success with single women. They don’t care enough to invest in making her happy so they’re better prepared to provide her those little moments of joy she seems to ultimately want.

To Be Continued…

Here's To You, Mrs. Rodriguez

"I'm in love with someone else," said the 30-something I was flirting with at the bar. I'd met her about a year ago and we'd almost done our thing months prior when she was in town, but she didn't want our first experience to be in the car. So I admitted, "that's OK, I'm in love with someone else too." She leaned in for the kiss and when I opened my eyes deep in her embrace, it must have been profound because a young 20-something behind her wouldn't stop staring at me for the rest of the night. She continued, "I do love him but I just feel this attraction, this strong desire to be with you. Your touch. Your kiss. I want to know what it's like to be with you, if you're as good as I think you will be. Then we can go back to being friends with no revisiting."

I felt the same yearning and now our shared romantic failures gave us an even stronger connection. I had invited a mutual friend, hoping to prevent this inevitability, but the friend forgot her ID then locked herself out and the bouncers were fresh from Bouncer School and wouldn't let anyone on the guest list in despite the monsoon weather. So as we disappeared around the corner into a local dive, it became apparent that even God wanted us to fuck. So I looked at her knowingly and asked her what she wanted to do. She took a moment, purred, and whispered, "let's go to your place". How I love older women.

Everyone wants their new relationship to be their last, but age seems to bring the experience of knowing that not every new person you meet is going to be happily ever after. Hopefully, at the least, it’s a shared experience that gets both people closer to happiness and the possibility of being with that one person that will love them unconditionally. The youth are in a rush to find love, to find their soulmate. They want every new person they meet to be the one, becoming so impatient that they miss great opportunities because they look too hard, thinking they know the way when they don't even understand themselves.

It’s a common notion that many 20-somethings, especially the younger variety, are only good for sex. They often say they want someone great, but then don’t have a clue how to land or keep him. It’s that phase of self-destructive behavior they go through with an innate propensity for pushing away nice, decent men in favor of guys who end up treating them badly, just so they can get their way. Ultimately, they're immature and insecure, maintaining expectations on how a man should behave yet often don’t know how to treat one in return. Maturity isn’t always measured in actions; it’s a comfort level a person reaches that comes across in their presence and demeanor, reflecting their state of mind and well-being. If women are like wine and only get better with age, then 20-somethings are freshly corked and despite the pretty packaging, you learn to leave them alone because they’re often too bitter and sour to buy.

The biggest asset 20-somethings have is their physical appearance. They’re attractive, but really it’s due to luck and since they haven’t earned it, I personally refuse to call them beautiful. Only the best learn and grow into themselves to become beautiful. Besides, many 20-somethings seem to still be going through relationship puberty. They’re not entirely over the abuse they suffered in past relationships and some haven’t even recovered from their teen relationships when they chose to get involved before properly developing themselves as individuals. If you can't make yourself happy, then how can you expect someone else to make you happy?

It’s no guarantee, but I’ve found 30-somethings tend to come across as more direct, honest and straightforward with what they want and expect in a relationship and what is deemed acceptable behavior. Having weathered life experiences, they seem to have learned not to expect the moon and are often more accepting and willing to compromise if they decide to get involved. Those that took care of what they were blessed with are truly beautiful whereas their careless counterparts fell by the wayside having aged poorly. In my experiences, many 30-somethings have that true calm, poise, and maturity about them that most 20-somethings fake. It's like comparing boys and men or store sized and tailored clothes, once you experience the quality of a real woman, you wonder why you bothered to waste your time all along.

I fondly remember my time with the Brasilian because she gave me the space and freedom to be my individual self but outlined what I needed to do to keep her happy and loving me. Nothing was ever harder than it needed to be. But she preferred no kids and having 38 years, that window was closing for her if I wanted them. I could handle kids well if I had them, but I am at least 5 years away from wanting any. Besides, my longest relationship is 1 month shy of 3 years so I can’t picture marriage or starting a family without first passing that milestone. 20-somethings don’t have a limited window in starting a family, which is a sizeable advantage over their 30-something counterparts. If it wasn't for that or if I could accept not having kids, I swear I would never date a woman in her 20's ever again.

Distant Lovers

Last month marked a milestone that I've now traveled on 6 of 7 continents. I've dated women on 5 continents, had sex on 4 continents, and received road head on just as many. One of my more memorable experiences was driving 5+ hours in Brasil on a getaway. As the sun set and it had officially been 3 hours since our last session prior to leaving, I started eyeing this woman in the glow of sunset colors so she decided out of safety that I not pull off the road. I tore into her and suddenly she was half over the stick shift, swallowing me. I was taken aback when, in between moans, she abruptly jumped back to her seat while I rubbed and fingered her, until she came. Talk about some serious multi-tasking!

As that story goes, we finally made it back to the city and it being late with few hotel vacancies, she introduced me to the culture of love motels. Being 11 years older and a psychologist, she taught me many things about working towards a greater level of understanding and being able to accept myself, reconciling my inner conflicts to embrace my full potential. We barely spoke the same language, but shared a connection and understanding that transcended reason. This was aided by my immersion in her passionate culture, where my logical mind could no longer guard me from embracing my passionate nature, a side few people really see. After all, logical people don't travel the world, ride motorcycles, and go skydiving more than once. So as logical as I can be, I'm equally as passionate, a point which seems to be the biggest misunderstanding about me. Ultimately, my time with the Brasilian was profound regardless of distance and circumstance.

I'm an advocate of long distance relationships. They don't require an all day every day time commitment, allowing me to focus a lot of time on myself yet maintain a relationship that can be intense and passionate in discrete moments. Besides, I know they're into me and their head and heart are in the right place because it's much easier to walk away than put in the effort needed to build an effective level of communication across the distance. I have also found it works best to encapsulate feelings because I cannot do anything about the emotional distance created by the physical distance. There’s no point going crazy to be with her night and day, counting the time until I see her next because it's just not possible so restraint is necessary. I believe long distance relationships can work, but you do need to be with each other in the beginning to achieve true understanding and be able to form a lasting bond that can endure.

Furthermore, with today's technology it's easier than ever to get involved over distance. International phone sex can get pricey, so a few amazing Europeans invented skype. There's nothing like skype dates and having skype sex. Who said technological progress is bad? Call me crazy, but I believe the true measure of love is its ability to evolve over any distance, any situation, or any obstacle. Distance poses a number of challenges, but the passion shared when you finally are together can be pure bliss. The in-between sucks, but I always argue the value of long distance relationships is that the time spent together is worth more than time spent apart or with anyone else.

I realized something else about my involvement in long distance relationships: I go for unavailable women. I think I partially do this because I'm not willing or able to give myself freely and fully. Often, I think this is because I am still emotionally hurt from failing in love with someone else and being unable to acknowledge it, admit it, or move on. While I can't love fully, I can love safely. I can't get attached because we eventually have to separate and leave, so I know precisely when things will end so I can prepare myself and it won't hurt as much.

I think people confuse conditional relationships with being conditionally in love. Real love doesn't have conditions. The expression, the construct, the relationship does have conditions. In my long distance encounters, I didn't need to know if they were involved with others because I just wanted to experience them during our brief moments together. Rationale went out the window and things become pure, raw, unbridled passion - the heart wants what it wants when it wants it. Things got complicated when we tried turning our encounters into a relationship and conditions were placed on what was acceptable behavior. In relationships, love quite simply isn't always enough. You don't stop loving someone when they hurt you or it ends, you just decide to move on from the relationship and the love eventually fades with time. Personally, I still have love for many of the women I’ve been involved with and I hope they find the happiness they desire, but we learned we’re not the ones for each other.

However, lately I seem to have evolved and not only attract but want to involve myself with the kind of unavailable women that have a pre-existing boyfriend condition. God only knows what kind of psychoses I may have developed now.

War of the Sexes

Now that women are empowering themselves and their voices are starting to be truly heard, the battle of the sexes is no more. Now it's a war. Both sides are equal adversaries and casualties strew the battlefield. On New Year's Eve, for the first time in my life I had a girl storm out and leave me standing there dumbfounded. For the record, I did talk and dance with another girl who had a non-present boyfriend, yet my date decided to show up at 2 AM to this New Year's Eve party. I admit I've done some heinous stuff in my day, but there's a first time for everything.

My low was when I cussed out my first love after I broke up with her. Naturally, she was very protective of me. One day she tried to fight a girl who kept climbing into my bed naked after parties but later grew mad that we'd actually done something in my bed. My ex would have utterly destroyed her, trust me, and I couldn't allow her to face university disciplinary action. So I said what I had to, to prevent her from doing what I knew she wanted to since she couldn't hate me. I have made selfish and selfless decisions from time to time concerning women I was involved with, but as any man will argue: not all women deserve our mercy.

I can't stand when women say how they're choosing to be like a man. They won't return calls, won't show up, won't be forthright or honest, will date other men, sleep with who they want to sleep with and the list goes on. Women are not men. No matter what you cannot be a man so it is not your place to tell us how a man is supposed to act or behave. That is what fathers and other male role models are to us. When men care we show up, we return calls, we even initiate them, and are willing to go to whatever lengths we must to win her over. But we focus on other things because we've learned not to make just any woman the center of our world. Our mothers taught us that. Many women won't appreciate us, only want to use us to get what they want, or can't provide what we are looking for – selfless, unconditional love and support. Women teach this lesson to their sons because they see their sons as becoming great men, but then can't show this same consideration to other women's sons.

That is why I'm sorry to report from the front lines, that women acting like men doesn't work. Like it or not, it is a man's world. Besides, I question how many women saying they'll act like men actually end up with the really great man they ultimately want? I think all they do is find a better way of dealing with the assholes who come along, forever dating around and not finding great because they prepared themselves to deal with shit. Hey, if you treat them like leftovers, don't be surprised if you're left holding trash.

Dating is a female concept. After all they're the ones who need to biologically court to decide which prospectives can stay and which should go. Simple men like what they like, when they like it. Complex men are different. They have goals, dreams, passions, and a plan that their woman needs to support and embrace as if it were her own. But men are fundamentally simple in one way:
      The more attractive we find you, the more of your shit we will tolerate.
      The more shit you make us tolerate, the more we'll look for someone better.
      The more we look, the more open we are to someone else.
      The more open we are, the more likely we'll do something with someone else.
      The more we do with someone else, the more of your shit we can tolerate.

I think the trick on both sides is to focus on what you want and accept nothing less, never settling. Although, compromise is crucial. Who you find may not be perfect, but do they have enough of what you want and are looking for to be happy AND can accept their negatives and flaws to work together to build something great? We can't change someone, but we can help and support them become better if they so choose. Have patience and don't be afraid to be single for a long time. If you are tired of being single and uninvolved, well then this is the war, tread carefully because it might seem like you aren't holding out for something great.

But remember this: it's still a man's world because men chase the box women have allowing women to set the rules of the game. This means a man becomes a player in this game and can choose to follow the rules, break the rules, ignore the rules, cheat, or do as he sees fit. Because when men set the rules, women behave the exact same way.

2 Inches and 90 Seconds

There I was lying on her bed not even watching the movie I brought over and actually expected us to watch. We had been making out but now most of her clothes were off and I was dining at the Y. Then she flips the script and puts herself on top of me. Sliding down between my legs, she gets the belt, button, zipper, and takes everything down with one tug. She looks as I stand at attention, then looks up at me and says, “my ex-boyfriend was wayyyyy bigger than that.”

What can I say? I’m not 10+ inches straight from the Motherland like her ex who also couldn’t make her cum. But I made her cum, with my mouth, my tongue, my fingers, on top, from behind, against the wall, in the air, clitoral, g-spot, squirting, and multiples. I made her cum until she was sore and couldn’t cum anymore. But I never told her when I went down on her that first night that I saw a gaping black hole. Or how the position she liked where I modified missionary to put her legs together was to get sensation because I couldn’t make contact with her sidewalls. What can I say, size is important.

I was conversing the other day, freak to freak, with a Leo friend who enjoys watching herself have sex in the mirror. :-) Anyways, we had been discussing size and how she had to stop fucking one guy else “he’d ruin [her] for all other men”. She also shared her experiences that “big dick is lazy dick”. Most women I talk to admit it’s the motion that matters more. It seems similar to very attractive women or women with nice curves who often let their bodies do the work and don’t put in much effort. They are sexually lazy. Still there are certain things you can’t do with certain sizes just as the look of a woman or feel of her curves cannot be substituted. I’m not saying it can’t be good. The summation of everything is what determines if it’s quality. Besides, everyone is different and likes different things.

I don’t aspire to be the best. Every woman decides for herself what is best. Where my ex saw my diminutive size, the nearly 40-something Jamaican used to sit there and stare, trying to figure out how my motion allowed me to hit the spot only her 9+ inches ex-boyfriend used to hit. The nearly 40-something Brasilian used to complain I could go “deep and slow” or “short and fast” but not “deep and fast” because it made her bleed. More than one girl has confessed that she expected me to be small and ended up pleasantly surprised. It’s on everyone’s mind the same way men wonder how a woman’s naked breasts are gonna look, what kind of nipples does she have, is her clit an innie or an outie, does she have a pretty one, how good is her technique, and will she spit or swallow.

However, boastful arrogance is unattractive. Ever notice how most boasters never live up to their billing of how good they portray themselves to be? They talk themselves up and it’s just pure let down. Well after I moved past the mental block my ex gave me over my own size, I started to flirt with prospective partners that I was “the best 2 inches and 90 seconds they never had”. I even used to say I would understand if they didn’t want to have sex, which is precisely why I wanted to warn them ahead of time. What I was not so subtly doing was lowering their expectations. If I were honest and told them I was 6-7 inches and possessed the control to cum on demand but preferred to last about 90 minutes with at least 20 minutes of foreplay, they may either not believe me or levy such high expectations that even I could never meet.

While I have definitely gotten better with age, the equipment performed for a longer duration and more frequently when I was younger. I don’t start to hit my real stride until about the 10th time we do it when I become more familiar with her and what she likes. But it’s easy to take a wrong step before then and never get to 10. That handful of women I did get past 10 with, we became much more emotionally involved and there still exists an ease and familiarity with each other today even though the sex has ceased. Sex is always better with someone you really care about because it’s much more meaningful. When you truly love someone, you don’t count the orgasms, need to do the crazy positions, or levy these expectations. It has to be good enough to satisfy your desire to fully give of yourselves, unite, and enjoy the ride. Otherwise, if it’s not love then 2 inches and 90 seconds simply isn’t going to get the job done.



*Originally posted on Lovemionline.com on March 22, 2010.

http://www.lovemionline.com/index.php/RuMANating-Intercourse/penis-size-sex.html

Men’s Locker Room Talk

Some men are dogs. They’re the loudest, the most active, the ones women always meet because they never stop trying. They make a noisy commotion and demand your attention. We all know the barking dog on the corner before we see the great, stable, well-composed man walking with focus and determination towards positive responsibility. If you don’t know who you are or what you want, you will succumb to their distraction and end up captivated by their pompous circumstance.

My future best man and I were comparing notes over a few bottles of Chimay. A lot of women complain they want a great man, but when a great man comes into their life, they don’t know how to treat him properly. They look for and expect him to be like the men in their past that treated them poorly. So they end up treating him like all of those other assholes that came before. They fail to understand and appreciate the efforts and actions of a good man. Sometimes they’re too busy stuck in their own mind worrying – if, when, and how he’s going to do bad - in essence creating a culture where it encourages men to do bad because that’s the expectation of them.

Is it because women constantly see bad men on TV and in movies? Is it the early experiences with young boys who don’t know who they are or what they want? Men often suspect women don’t know how to recognize a good man because they’ve never had one in their life. Well great men do exist, and they’re everywhere. Look past the dogs and you can see them walking around feeling the good they do goes unacknowledged, unappreciated, and overlooked by women.

After a horrible personal experience, the best advice I ever received was “don’t take out on the next one what the last one did to you.” That’s difficult when most women seem to judge you based upon the merits of the men who preceded us. We learn to expect and assume the worst about women, sometimes it’s the only way we can protect ourselves, even if that makes us players. When it’s finally over between us, we want you to call us when the next guy is about to make you orgasm because we want that harsh truth so that we can hate you for it and finally move on to someone better. If I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, I’d rather make it a mountain than make it a molehill and have it be a mountain.

So where are great men hiding? With their friends and their family. They don’t run around parties looking to pick up women. They are focused with good jobs, building a career, knowing that cars and clothes are material things that lack substance. When they go out, they’re just as suspicious of you as you are of them. They’re building towards positivity, wanting a deeper connection in a serious relationship. They don’t want headaches and they don’t want games. If you’re dating a few different men, having your fun while hoping something great comes along, they won’t meet you because you’re accepting of any male attention that comes your way and dogs are always better at getting your attention.

I know this because I’ve lived on both sides of the fence. I’ve been hurt when women have confessed to dating around, not believed me that I wasn’t seeing anyone else, dated me as a distraction from the guy in their bed last week, told me not to worry about the text messages from “Roger from BX” and “Al from BK” at 2 AM while I’m inside her, seen Luis’ text about his missing her kisses while I get her a glass of water after the fact, even been right next to her when the guys are calling to setup first dates. A great friend of mine and I realized it’s better to not care at all. It’s easier, you don’t get hurt, and you end up with more options.

I know the correct course of action to build towards is if a woman cannot come at me properly, treating me with respect, care, consideration and is willing to compromise, then she is not deserving of my time, my effort, or my energy. Unfortunately, you get hurt being the nice, good guy. Just look at me. One minute I’m focused on being good and rising about these girls who play games, and the next minute I’m convincing myself it’s better to stop hurting and not care. To negotiate with my boy the next step in the evolution of our friendship however grimey. How we should get with the same chick at the same time and it’s ok if our balls touch. Chances are that girl will end up someone’s wife, maybe even ours, and that hurts even more. But if we do it, it’s because we stopped caring, and that makes all the difference.



*Originally posted on Lovemionline.com on March 8, 2010.

http://www.lovemionline.com/index.php/RuMANating-Intercourse/dogs-find-good-men.html

Confessions of a Popcorn Player

“You’re not single because you have options” my friend told me. Well, then I haven't been single since puberty. I have an ex that still calls to “hang out” even though more time has passed since we ended than we spent as a couple. With past flames like this and even some new prospects, I've been contemplating my course of action as a single man and realized: it’s been 10 years since my high school sweetheart and first love began, but I’ve been completely single and unattached (read: no booty calls) for only 10 of those months. Those 10 months came in the form of a 3 month “drought” following a split, a 5 month “break” to get over that bad split, and the current 2 month “hiatus”. Outside of those times, I’ve never gone more than about a month without getting some skin. In past months I'd even rotated through the current roster with each getting their own weekend. Maybe I should call Rachel, Kalika, Jamie, or Holly and ask what rehab Tiger checked into?

I'm not a bad guy by any stretch. I just get trapped in my own world and simply choose not to care. Some people call it jaded, but there's always a moment of conscious choice when you know the positive path and choose to go the other way. Mine has always involved my utterance of the phrase, “fuck it”. It was Mae West who said, “When I'm good, I'm very good. When I'm bad, I'm better.” Don't get me wrong, these girls knew the drill. Nothing more was ever promised and they even knew about some of the others and called me anyways. I don't think for one second that I was their only option either. I'm not saying I didn't hurt them, because I did, but I also cared about them more than I let on. I knew I didn't want to be with them long term, but couldn't say that. The reason you decide to have sex with someone isn't always the same reason you continue to have sex with them.

Gallivanting around with different women actually drains me. These past few years, I have preferred not to date because when I did, more than half ended with me in her bed that night and the rest had me there by the end of that first week. My problem: if I don't have a reason to say “no”, then I don't. Believe it or not, I prefer faithful relationships but I can accept casual. I love to cuddle in bed all morning. The best is to wake up to her laying there watching you sleep. She flashes a smile, goes in for a kiss, and the rest is how the magic happens. When you wake up to your casual fling staring, you can't help but wonder, “What the hell are you looking at!?!”

Like most men of substance, I want more than just sex. Naturally, my male friends have been after me to rebound. It does help get over unrequited love and believe me, I have some quality opportunities. But rather than get involved, I decided it's best to take a hiatus and focus on developing myself. If I could mix parts of all the girls I've been with, I'd have an amazing woman, perfect even, but none alone were the one for me. If great came along tomorrow, how many of us are truly ready and can actually put in the work necessary to sustain a great relationship? Being with that person yet having to put your phone on silent to avoid explaining a call or text message at 4 AM doesn't promote the idea that's what you ultimately want.

Life is all about perspective. I feel a hiatus is exactly what I need. But some see me as heartbroken and forlorn from my past failures, needing time to rebuild myself. The way I talk, others wonder if I'm keeping uninvolved in the hopes the last one realizes my greatness and returns. A friend questioned if I was jaded at yet another failure and perhaps I'm tired of getting hurt. I joke it'll be 6 months penance for my sins. My truth is I want to focus on other, more important things and simply don't want or need a woman in my life right now. Months from now, when my hiatus ends I know I will be better prepared to meet and create something great.

Dating, like life, has to do with free will. I believe things really do happen for a reason. Fate is the universe conspiring to send people into our lives to teach us lessons we need to learn, if we're able to truly listen. But in the end, fate only brings you so far and we each have to choose to ride on the wings of destiny.



*Originally posted on Lovemionline.com on February 22, 2010.

http://www.lovemionline.com/index.php/RuMANating-Intercourse/man-confessions-sex-love.html

A Day to Remember to Feel Special

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The Night I Met Sujeiry

Once upon a time I had morals, values, and was a picky SOB who refused to settle for anything less than what I wanted. The dating world has taught me different. One summer night, my best friend, who happens to be the life of any party, was having his nearly 30th birthday party in NYC. I booked a hotel nearby to get the festivities started early. Of course I invited the 20-something Colombiana Sagittarian I had started messing around with a few weeks prior. Only problem is the prior weekend I had hosted a BBQ with my best friend, the Colombiana, and the nearly 40 year old Jamaican I had been with all spring and would still kick it with from time to time. Of course it's my fault for inviting my current and past to the same BBQ, but they both separately talked of wanting to do a 3some with me so I figured I'd do the dumb thing and try and force it. I knew I didn't care so I even went ahead and told them about each other. Well it was a bit awkward when they caught hurt feelings, naturally, and then my friend brazenly invited the Jamaican down to his party. She of course invited herself to stay in the room with the Colombiana and me, not at all to the preference of the Colombiana. Damn those controlling Aries.

After a week of insisting another room be booked, an awkward drive to NYC with both ensued, and a dinner fight followed. This of course all set up the bar scene. While on a holiday in Puerto Rico, I had mistakenly drunk dialed and invited an old fling from upstate who kept insisting I look her up in the city now that she was single again. Top it all off and there was a Haitian virgin coming late who went to the same college as me, and with whom I had been casually flirting from a distance. Thankfully, I was sure to tell the Haitian when she arrived that I was "all over the place" and it would be best if we stayed friends. The thing I must stress about all of this is that in my mental mindset I simply did not care about any of them or myself for that matter. When you get hurt enough and become jaded, you get to a point where you find it better not to care and just do without thinking.

So a few hours of drinking in, we trek to the bar party with the Colombiana, Jamaican, and a dozen others in tow. Meanwhile, the old fling has been blowing up my phone asking for directions and arrival time. We arrive and I begin what ends up being my complete and total ignoring of the Colombiana for the entire night and the Jamaican for the hour she was there before leaving to enjoy other NYC nightlife. An hour in, I remember the old fling was waiting outside and, to my surprise, she was still there, waiting. 2 years prior, I had broken things off with her real quick cause I noticed signs of an addictive personality and the word "clingy" may have been under her yearbook accolades. As payback to my best friend and knowing his knack with people, I brushed her off onto him for the night, only talking to her again when she left. She finally got the hint and has left me alone ever since. Mission accomplished on that front.

I hung with friends most of the night until “she” walked in. “She” being the young 20-something Dominican, Aries yet again, that I noticed from across the bar and around the corner. Believe it or not, I'm not one of those typical male types who chase skirt and will sleep with anything. But I was instantly fixated on her in a way that's only happened 4 times in more than a decade, 2 of those being my 2 ex-girlfriends of 3 years apiece eons ago, and hadn't happened in almost 3 years. Even liquid courage wouldn't help me approach her because I'd had far too much liquid to have any real courage. So a married Dominican friend pushed me towards my Godsend, complete with her own set of wings ordering Alabama Slammers. That’s when I bumped into Sujeiry. God knows what I said to her to let me write this story for her website, but somehow it happened. Sujeiry has been a Godsend by your very reading this, but alas she was not the “she” in question I was stumbling towards, probably to her benefit and my reputation given my then mental state.

Things didn't click at all with Miss Alabama, it didn't help that I was beyond gone off Johnny. But somehow, from my recollection, I was uncharacteristically persistent and annoying, even telling off some bar patron I deemed lesser who was talking to her. Still she gave me her real cell number, definitely helped by her being friends with my best friend’s sister. It didn't click between us until a few months later, by then she admitted having turned single that week of the party after a horrible experience and had already dated another guy in the interim. Those few months we spent together were fast and furious, but utter bliss. I fell for her like I'd never fallen for a woman before, especially in that short an amount of time. From my first time meeting with her, I dropped all my side acts, focused the bulk of my time, and hung on her every word. No 3 day rule, no waiting, no games, no lies, no bullshit. I knew it was not an act or an effort because I connected with her in a way I never connect with almost every other woman I meet. I even remember having that crazy feeling in the car before I left that first weekend, the one of just knowing. Problem is if you're not whole when you fall, then you're likely to fall the wrong way. She had baggage, I had issues, and things fizzled with miscommunication, mistrust, and a singular bad mistake on my part to get exceedingly drunk waiting hours upon hours for her to arrive on NYE when I ended up swapping info with a cute albeit possibly anorexic friend of friend so I could send her travel advice when she visited her unmentioned boyfriend down under. Women’s intuition is too keen to discredit and despite coming as drunkenly clean as was possible, she split within 15 minutes, record time. Fate it seems is not without a sense of irony.

Now that everything has played out, the one I cared about most and treated the best doesn't want contact with me. I recently sent apologies to the other two who quickly accepted and requested for me to keep in touch and visit them soon. Requests I'm not interested in honoring. It really amazes me how women seem to involve themselves more readily with men who act like complete assholes, yet reject and deny the men who want to treat them with the utmost respect but don’t always get things right the first time. Karma can be a bitch, but it can also be a great teacher. I'm unabashedly single with my head back on straight and my mind focused on staying uninvolved so I can get my life on track to where I want it to be before I hit the big 30. Whenever I happen to fall again, hopefully I'll have put in the work to be much more whole and fall the right way, with her falling right next to me.



*Originally posted on Lovemionline.com on January 25, 2010.

http://www.lovemionline.com/index.php/RuMANating-Intercourse/man-sex-player

To Love, Or To Possess?

“It’s all yours”, she used to say. Over and over, every time she’d volunteer that tidbit about how every little thing I liked about her was all mine. Until one day, it wasn’t. Of course by then I’d digressed in my love to see and believe her to be mine, as if I was somehow her owner and she mine. Looking back, I can only surmise how misguided or uninformed I truly was in my blissfully unaware state of “love”. Or maybe not?

Some time ago I sat down to argue the finer points with a woman I had been involved with for give or take 3 months. It boiled down to my feeling stifled at her seeming wanton desire, whether intended or unbeknownst, to plan or control every little detail and my unyielding and overreaching aim to let things lie where they fall and not get obsessed with the specifics. As she argued the necessity of having and following a plan, I found it all too familiar. I tried to explain: I had decided months prior to ever meeting her to stop my incorrigible trend of over-planning well everything and take the time to step back from my plans and actually experience and enjoy them, taking things as they come. That’s when I heard it from her, “Well, that’s just not what I like or want with MY man. I want to take care of MY man and I feel more comfortable sticking to MY plan.” That summed up the control issue, the fight, and the relationship. She wanted me as her possession and not as my own person. Not literally of course, but it is how I felt then. So I sufficiently wrapped things up and left her with my newfound truism: why is it that we often seek to possess what we love?

How often have we each done it? We see something, we fall in love, and we have to make it ours. A man, a woman, a house, a car, a dress…well you get the idea. It’s in our thoughts, in our language, and in our actions; we just don’t always notice it.

More than a few times I’ve discussed with my female friends how a man of interest is good overall, but will need a few “tweaks.” On occasion I even get to play devil’s advocate when they decide to take on a project and try to educate and shape their man. I agree everyone needs work, but I point out the thin line of treating people we care about as our own with an air of ownership and entitlement and allowing for that person’s change to come about of their own volition.

Men are guilty as well. Look at the double standard we have in our society with regard to number of partners. Often men prefer women with lower numbers because then we know she’s much more ours than someone else’s. This way we know her mileage, her history, and can sit safe at night knowing with some assurances that our ownership stake in her will be worth our while.

To love should not be to possess. It’s not about how that person is ours, or some competitive angle that we know or deserve them more than another person because of our past together. We should accept that we cannot and should not possess over the people we love. We should let them go, allow them to be free to make the decisions they feel will bring them the most happiness. After all, doesn’t happiness matter more in life than possession? Isn’t that what we truly seek and hope for? It’s true they may not choose us, and it sucks when that happens, God do I know that. But in the end, it’s healthier for us because it enables us to love more freely. I think fear inhibits us from doing this. Fear of losing something and someone that we never really owned to begin with. Of course we want to protect those we love, but at the cost of their happiness and ultimately ours just so we can feel the security that comes from this false sense of ownership?



*Originally posted on Lovemionline.com on September 7, 2009.

http://www.lovemionline.com/index.php/Men-Speak/control.html

Lovemionline - RuMANating Intercourse

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Timothy is a fan of love, knows some things about sex, can understand relationships, and is full of thoughts and ideas along with a bevy of life experiences that you couldn't script if you wanted to.